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Christmas down , New Year's to go....
Now that I read the title it kinda sounds like christmas sucked or something but I dunno how I feel about this christmas. I guess It's a lot of things but on the positive I got to see some of my friends before hand and gave them their presents and messed a bit with Cheli's new Karoke machine. Laughed a bit about how stupid I really look on film, I mean Im a dork but sometimes you dont realize how bad the problem is oh well. I've been crazy at work and maybe adding to "eh" mood is the stress. Is this how the rest of life is gonna be? Got nice things from the family but I think Im more excited to watch people open their presents instead, does that make any sense? That was fun I've had to do some baking and its just been a full month. I dunno how to describe how Im feeling I mean Im happy to spend time with friends and family but I dont feel much like myself. A bit empty. Maybe Im just a crackhead. But yeah I failed to mention that this one guy I may have mentioned before keeps texting me. (guy at a club that had awkward rythm) texted inviting me and alyss' snowboarding, I know she wnts to go ( not sure with them though) but she wasn't here for christmas . Most recently asking what we're doing for New year's. Of course I dont have plans I never have plans for New Year's. It's my dad's birthday and I feel like such a bastard leaving. If I go anwhere it's after my parents go over to their friends house or they went to bed lol, exciting aint it? But this year particularily I have no plans at all even for afterward ( and so the sad realization that I have no life drops on me like a cold shower on a winter day ---wait who am I kidding I act like Im suprised , stop frontin') . Dunno whether it's good news or not but Kevin doesnt seem so "bitter" ( I need a better word I'll think of something.) Any way he seems a lot more friendlier. DOnt remember if I wrote it before but I was thinking he was ignoring me because I didnt return two of his calls but there was 2 reasons for : I was in a no reception in the middle of mountains area and I was at work ( at the same time) an I didnt get any of my calls messages until 3 a.m. Anyway I've seen him a couple of times comin in or out of the gate so at least I now he's not ignoring me anymore. I hate being seen a mean person . But I know roxy and I 'member what you said. Um what else.... well I passed all my classes even geology, I thought I bombed the final I guess it wasnt so bad, I still got a "B" in the class. I'll be 21 in almost 3 months,still feeling like people are doing so much more and Im falling behind although I am very happy for them. But for now I gotta find a path and unfourtunately I still cant sleep well.
posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
Ya know X-games kinda shit .....
Yep delusions of grandeur and maybe I am a legend in my own mind. Okay moment is over c'mon I aint got the self confidence to believe all of that but I'll explain myself. I took the day off yesterday yeah I know what a rebel nah not even but fuck it I've been looking forward to going snowboarding all year, whole conversations would revolve around it and hey Roxy youdidnt bust your leg before goin' (insert a high five here). Anyway we got to Mountain High and it wasnt really that cold at all and the bestest part was that there werent that many people. We do good work. LOL I think Im the only one that got that. I felt bad for cheli she took some hard falls. Snow was a lot harder so I ended up sore as hell and my left wrist was hurtin. I had a super time. Roxy was boarding almost naked (okay so I exaggerated she wasnt wearing a jacket but really it got hot kinda quick). Eugene forgot his jacket. oh but Slav took the cake on this lil' trip. Both Slavs Eugene and I were gonna get on the lift so eugene says "go" meaning move forward and get ready to move up once the people before us get on. Well he thought it meant get on the lift now (he really isnt the best direction follower poor kid lol) did I mention that the people in front of us were 4 people (only four fit) So he moves up the chair is right behind him, a girl from the people before us dives out of the way and so does a guy and falls down the lil' slope and slav gets on with the two other people. It was the funniest thing not to mention how awkward that conversation had to have been, although they never showed signs of pushing him off. I did a couple of jumps ( not x games ish but if you wanna humor me imagine it to be a crazy x-games jump) I was so excitied though a jump is a jump. Well anyway I would write more but Im tired and sore and I wanna lay down somewhere so before I go I wanna say Happy Birthday to my brother, kid is 17 now yep they grow up. So yeah totally high five him. Much luv to ya kid.
posted by Shaistie at 11:58 PM

 
Happy Birthday Brissa
Brissa oh brissa what would I do without you. I hope that today and everyday is filled with a world of happiness for you. Aww, now your 21, your old lol. I'd say dont drink and drive but I think you know where Im heading with that.... Thanks for being so understanding and always lending an ear to my ish and coming with me on some crackhead adventures. I know we dont see each other as often but it never seems to matter cause it always seems like yesterday. But a'ight I hope you have the most superest time and I definately owe you dinner, your pick, mmmm, mmmm..... Happy birthday gurl I lovez ya!
posted by Shaistie at 11:17 PM

 
eh...
Well finals are finally over and it looks like I can finally sleep in the bed that I havent seen in over a week (chairs dont make good beds, maybe for a little while until your leg falls asleep). Dont feel so good about my Geology final though that was crap and maybe I should of busted out with a tinge of flirtyness nah there's soooooooo many things wrong with that that um no how about no just no. Anyway term papers are in test are done and yeah I can finally say it's a wrap... So now that I've moved that out of my head now what do I do about time? I haev no idea as of yet when he's coming home and yeah Im the first one to tell me not to think about it but yeah we know where this is going. Okay before I get into that I have to gripe about some tings here goes and maybe just maybe it'll fix the world ( okay that's a bit delusional but I haven't fully recovered from my lack of sleep) Here goes:
* Talking in normal "have you seen my keys" tone inside a library. C'mon really let's go over proper library
etiquette 101 for those who failed to read the damn sign: People are studying there fore they came to
to find quiet for concentration, I dont think I'm being anal to be bothered by your marketplace voice.
* Turn off the Damn cell phone! going back to point one with library etiquette and even slide it over to
movies, your ringtones are cute , but really not te place. Her shoe size is an 8 write it down take a
picture sheesh do you need to call 10 times to ask the same shit?c'mon on the for really...
* For all you shoppers. Really now, Shirts are folded and are put out in piles smallest to largest. Is it really
necesary to unfold 2 piles worth leave half of them on the floor to end up either taking the one you first
picked up or not taking one at all ?
* Get your kids tutors or something. Not gonna run around after your kids, nope. Im about to start
passing out those nifty-ass leashes. Harsh I know maybe it's the stress talking but if you got kids take
care of them no one else is gonna make this a pleasant time for you and me, better yet if you can leave
your kids with a babysitter at home, (super markets are not good family trips) no you do not need to
grandma, your three cousins, kids, wife, her best friend and kids and the dog to buy some ketchup.

* Drivers: IF your going 55 MPH why do you feel the need to block the car pool lane? No I dont wanna
hear it there's no excuse, just shhh.......
There's more to come, trust me...... Anyway I am "random -shit" prone. i.e. one of the days I was studying in the library a guy out of nowhere and hands me a christmas card. Although it was a very nice gesture and that's never happened to me before it is on the random -shit side, knocking on "what the hell?". But anywayIm going to miss school a little I guess Im just to damn sociable that I need people. Its a relief though fuck finals and now I digress.
I've been getting by. On the scared side. Stressed. Sore. ay, you know what that's nothing new, I think now that shools done my thoughts are just , maybe I should digress now too. December. Well tomarrow is another day.......
posted by Shaistie at 2:37 AM

 
In the mood for a huge amount of nothing.....
Yep finals week is almost here. Amazing shit really. I've had very little sleep (insert shocked look here)as I went through the painful process of writting a 15 page term paper. By this point we've all mastered the are of bullshiting to add an extra paragragh or two. But really theres really only so much that you can write. So.... yeah I hope that my paper doesnt smell too much , okay that was lame but I think that good work was done, yep. I think Im just burnt. My final for the same class has been moved to this Thursday instead of the Thursday next week during lets say FINALS WEEK. what kinda crap is that? An in class final on the world's ish load of shit. Im frustrated and the stress of work is just piling up on me, ugh. Kill me kill me.
Thanksgiving went well. Food food and more food. Went to Alys' had some more food, made an ass out of myself playing guesstures, yeah there's nothing more rewarding than hearing "Standard Television" blurted after your acting. Yep, good times good times. This was all after the crazyness that comes from the whole after thanksgiving sales. I like people. I like people..... I like people.... Kid leashes=good. Worked , worked, worked. Oh and too add to my sickness I get my monthly visit from aunt flo. Hey some lightning and we can call it a day. I've been overly critical of myself. Just so disatisfied at what the mirror reflects. Insecurities I guess or maybe it's my aunt flo talking.
It's december....
posted by Shaistie at 11:28 PM

 
Happy Thanksgiving...
Im actually feeling a little better today after last night. I was having the worst time breathing and I had a fever that was ridiculous and my head was gonna 'xplode any minute but after the all that medicine (I've lost track of how much and how many kinds I've taken) I think I'll live. Well but that aside just taking a little time to wish ya'll a happy thanksgiving. Last night sucked so much ass but today even though swallowing hurt like a motha we had plenty of food, mmm. But anywho, I heard from some people that I hardly get to talk to anymore, you know life and schedules and that was great. It was fun having everyone contribute their little bit to make this crazy meal. It was fun teasing my brother's bird about it being the thanksgiving meal (it looked shocked and appalled it hid in a corner the whole day). I just hope that everyone had a very nice thanksgiving, lots of food and maybe a frighten bird too. cough*sniff* I got a long day tomarrow.....
posted by Shaistie at 10:34 PM

 
Another Year....
Yeah I know. Another year goes by and feelings ar the same. Yeah this time of year, today, well Im feeling this way. How many times I told myself no more, and then I never go through with it. All the memories just flooding my head, my concentration was even worse than it has been this semester if that's even possible, all day thinking, remembering. I got an "are you okay?" call from Gizmo. I never stop being amazed at his inuition. Still waitin what more can I say. Im trying to think of why Im bloggin when in reality it's not making me feel like I've vented. It reminds me how bad I am with words when it comes to this. November, november.
posted by Shaistie at 11:58 PM

 
So I've been gone not my fault, no really..........
I know I've been gone awhile, for the most part it's not really my fault. Main reason is that my DSL was down and then the other is because my state of being hasnt been all that great and deteriorating at times. For the most part I've been trying. Tryig not to let things get to me but as stupid as it may sound I've running out of cheeks to turn. I guess the pressure is getting to me and maybe Im over doing things a bit much. A lot of things have just been piling up and sometimes I just want to say fuck it, fuck everything. I cant let myself fall. I cannot fail. There's too much ish but I got myself inot it so suck it up and quit bitchin'. (yeah that's my idea of a pep talk nowadays).
I havent ahd much time to even stop and destress myself I think that if I get out there for a lil bit with my ball I'll be a lil' more sane. It's not evn the lack of sleep it's just stress. I got a million and one things running through my head that I cant close my eyes and fall asleep like I'd want to. My heart, oh we wont even get into that past post say it all well now anticipation grows to fear. I wish that I could be more nonchalant about it but even if I could hide it to the world the one person that I cant is myself. Man, lying to yourself, nothing good comes from it. I want to be honest to myself.I gotta be honest to him. Okay there I go again.
Well I've had some occasions for smiling though, oh and by the way a big ol' happy birthday to Roxy!!!!!!!!! I didnt have online service to post it up on your birthday but I hope that you had a great birthday and super fun time. WE all went out for her birthday had some smores and joked about random ish. i went out last night with Brissa and 'Lys and as usual there was no lack of High Fives and our usual dorkiness (okay my dorkiness I wont put ya'll on full blast) unfourtuantely we didnt get Adam but we had a very nice waitress nonetheless. So Bris' which is it pick hurry quick : Ketchup or ranch? huh huh huh? Just messin which ya. oh and there's nothing better than describing your pee-in-a-cup experiences with your friends how about that funnel 'lys? Ya know it really does suck that males have it easier. I think there should be a special cup to make it more challenging.......yeah feelin a tad bit evil.... hmmm what else oh I promise you 'lys we'll get to those salsa lessons. Have you noticed that you cant turn downa high five? No really you cant and if you can your doing it on purpose but it's instinct. well I know I got a lot of making up to do but my mom is not in the concentrating mood drained is what it is so I leave you to ponder ways to make peeing in a cup more difficult for men, the high five instinct, oh and what the hey why waiters come around and ask how things are right when you put food in your mouth (although we got a great answer courtesy of adam)..... isnt it a dissappointment to wake up fome a dream that seemed so real and everything that you wanted, you try to go back to sleep in hopes of catching it but your always a step slow, so after the smile and good feeling fade, your left wide awake trying to figure out if it really happened, to your dismay it was only your mind playing tricks on you. So maybe tonight after I get some of the work I've procratinated for a bit done and I lay my head down and sleep finally reaches me can my dreams be so kind to let me catch last night's? Im not sure if asking it to be replayed in real life would be asking too much. *sigh*
posted by Shaistie at 11:54 PM

 
Oh Adam, will you be the Will to my Grace?
Went to lunch with Eugene cheli and Roxy. Sizzler, hey is it so wrong that you want to be surprised? "Suprise me", That's my response to what kind of chicken sandwich do you want? Well dammit Roxy she had to say it was my birthday (it should of been you this time) and I got abirthday hat, a lei, and Balloon and Happy Birthday sung to me, and Ice cream. You know what I neede Ice cream so thanks Roxy but damn lol.
Well I started the evening by getting my nails filled with Alyss' (figured I'd keep 'em a little longer and I thought it would cheer me up ) and then we went home. We talked awhile there about everything always jumping around topics like usual, 'lys was hungry so we went out to look for some food ( non-hunter gatherer style mind you). Well we headed up to Porter Ranch and came upon a predicament well actually 'Lys wouldnt pick... I drove, you pick .....I picked last time.... Well after sitting there for awhile, 'lys decided to take the "scientific" approach : Flip a coin. (Science rules right 'lys?) Well it was between In and Out and TGIFriday's. TGIFriday's won. We get there and even get the door opened for us and everything (yeah they opened it for everyone but let me feel special) Well we go in and we get this super waiter, Adam. He's so funny and has this cuteness about him, you feel like you've known him forever and a half. Well we talked, joked around with Adam (Really why do waiters always come by and ask you stuff right when you took a bite of something? All you can do is helplessly shake your head in response and swallow quickly lol. Or make sure your mouth aint full when the other person's is). Anyway, when we got ready to go we had already put money in the money holder thing (I know proper name escapes me right now), Adam comes by and takes the money out and tells us "It's been taken care of". Im met with same look of "huh?" by Alys'. We turn to Adam with an array of questions: "Your kidding right?", "who?", "No really your kidding..." Well After twisting his arm a bit he told us it was a guy that worked there Alex. Well that's never happened to me before, or should I say us and so I guess we lost our "the bill's been taken care of" virginty, yep it sounds wrong lol. Well , it doesnt end there, some guy comes up and asks if he and his friend could join us and buy us a drink, well we were on our way out (and Im not drinking til Im 21- 3 months to go). We stayed (partly i think because we wanted to thank Alex for dinner, partly I guess because we couldnt find the way to say no). Well any hope for intersting conversation went down the drain the minutes dragged in awkward struggle. We finally excused ourselves with the excuse that we had to pick a friend up. On the way out we waited to say thank you to Alex, he was nice. Adam, we need to hang out, (if only you were straight you'd be perfect lol) The scientific approach did not fail us, we got a great waiter and a free meal can't beat that with a baseball bat.
Saturday, Work, work and work, got home with my rental "two can play that game" , yeah the movie made me cry at the end, had some funnel cake that I made. See what happened is that I got home my brother was at his friend's (sleep over) and my parent went out so I was alone. So I had a movie and funnel cake, yeah drowning myself in funnel cake. Thinking. Damn I miss him.
Sunday, woke up tired, see what happened was that I was up thinking for so long I didnt fall asleep well after 3:00 am. I went to work, came home helped with dinner (apparently my momma was waiting for me so I could make some pasta, the kind she likes). Procrastinating again and now I really should concentrate on my homework. 4 more days until Tupac Resurrection... How to concentrate when there's a million and one things running through your mind? There's more to this but I gotta get my geology done and get some zzz's.
posted by Shaistie at 11:48 PM

 
Distracted.......
Yup there aint more to that. Self explanitory.........sad I know..... It's near midnight and I went all into my Greek and Roman mythology reading that I now realize what time it is. I wanted to call Alys', but now Im not sure she's up.Sucks to wake people up.Again I cant' sleep so I guess I should just get some work done. I started this blog what 6 or 7 months ago and honestly I thought that I wouldn't of kept it up as it happens to all my other journals. Mostly Ithink it's due to my writing on the back of papers, napkins, on the corners of my notes, I go back and read some of these *sigh*. By the way Sorry lys' I should of called Im such an absent-minded bastard........Oh and nails, Friday sounds great. Your nail lady will think we're crackheads by the end of this lol.

Things that made me smile today:

-Roxy brought me my disneyland lollipop (no I can not eat the whole damn thing in one sitting, wouldnt you like to watch me
struggle my way through that, 6 servings nah can't do it, or can I?)
-Did you know George W. (the prez) use to be a cheerleader? ( go U-S-A like totally) As if there aint enough ish to clown that
man on we need a lil more.(Throw more lighter fluid to the flame hehehe)
-Getting paid an extra hour of work I didnt do. (hey it's gas $$$, wait when isnt it gas money?)

Things that didnt well...........why list these? again it'd only be like putting sandpaper on my toilet seat.........
posted by Shaistie at 11:52 PM

 
When autumn first arrived you were my mine
And love was written in the winter snow
Then with the change of months there came october
And now i wonder where that love did go

It was the second rain of autumn we shared a feeling
It was such, such a glorious autumn dream, yes it was
But like kids we were too shy to say to each other,one another
That together we would always like to be

Someday soon i know we'll come together
Even though our feelings change as seasons do
But maybe sweet november will tell us the story
That will bring us back the love that we both knew

When autumn first arrived you said you'd be mine
And promised me that you would never go
Then with the change of months then came october
And now i'm wondering where, where did our love go

It was the second rain of autumn we shared a feeling
It was such, such a glorious autumn dream, yes it was
But like kids we were too shy to say to each other,one another
That together we would always like to be




posted by Shaistie at 11:41 PM

 
Again and again and again...
Here I go back to the same thing back to the same ol' same. But I act like it's not an everyday thing. Maybe it could be the Rain. Or maybe it's because it's November.Like every other November. Flood of memories crazyness running through my head and I try. I promise myself not to think, contradictory because by doing so Im already doing it. The days are much colder now. I was talking to roxanne today I've set many "goals" mostly stuff to look forward to in short intervals of time. Tying to find a way, my way. I'll let you know how that's working out. Lost...Yeah....
By the way thanks for the coffee Roxy. But mostly for the good laugh. Peer pressure is a motha.... But thanks.

*Puts head in hands*
Now what........

posted by Shaistie at 11:02 PM

 
A month and a half? oh and a lil' Halloween....
Back again and with my usual procrastination I desided to update my blog. Well before I go to where my thoughts have been I'll start by talking about halloween. Well Friday, Hmm, well I finally got to where My Greek goddess costume that I put together ( I think it was pretty super who knows...) But yeah I actually put a lot of thought into it ya heard mostly to keep my mind occupied. But yeah then on the real mother nature has this cracked up way of working out of the whole month of october the one night that you need a nice night it rains and it was cold as a motha-- adn not to mention that the nice flowy material that I chose that seemed liked a good idea during those 90 degree weather days of the previous week now only looked like it would only help me get pnemonia. But yeah after putting myself together hair and all I took my brother to his halloween party then headed off to mine. Oh and I finally remembered the cow, ya know the one that I've had for months that I kept forgetting to give to ALys' well now last I saw it it was at Marc's and maybe the way that cow's been getting around it looks like it'll stay at marc's for at least a week (maybe a month). Anyway I had fun saw peple I dont get to see all that often anymore. Then went to pick up my brother and then came back to the party. Hey by the way I dont think its fair to give another Dorothy more candy Alys'.... Nah actually there werent too many trick or treaters cause of the rain which I think is sad especially those kids that already had a hard week with e fire and all I came home to find near full bags of candy. Well got home and then knowing I had a long day I couldnt get to sleep and oh theres the thing that I love about ESPN they replay the game shown eariler at 2 am so yeah i watched the sixers game. I couldnt get to sleep but yeah anyway I went to work on very lil sleep and then I had a million and one errands to run to help my brother with his homecoming. The thing is that I had to stay later too long of a story to write (not too interesting I didnt shank anyone or anything lol) but yeah I couldnt go pick up the camera that roxy was gonna let me borrow I was crazy late to pick up the corsage and I still had to look for the damn cuffflinks and tie thingy (yep I forgot what it's called ). Well when I got howm from all this I changed outta of my work clothes and then heped my brother (oh by the way Gelson's makes really pretty corsages I wated to keep it) and then finally after all the running around We were off my momma had the "aww he's growing up" look it was just so full house nah not that far but it was pretty funny. We get to the chicks house my brother gets out to go get her they come out Ithink she hit her head getting in the car ( no I didnt laugh maybe cause I was in the "aww" thing ). I get them school and then as i park I hear "do you have the tickets?" "do you have your I.D?" ..... Im like damn..... Well my brother had his ID in his wallet. But he had the envelope with the corsage on his lap on the way to her house the thing is that he didnt realize he dropped it when he got out of the car ad the chick forgot her ID so I had to drive them all the way back to her house. The envelope was on the ground slightly damp nothing kleenex couldnt fix and she brought her passaport cause she couldnt find her school ID ( on the real Im thinking it's only a school dance not P.Diddy's birthday party). I finally drop them off. I called Brissa but she couldnt go out and I feel bad I think I cut her off a bit but I had crap reception and so I couldnt really hear her SORRY briss'!!!!!!!!!! and then I thought about it and there wasnt much point fo trying to go anywhere if I had to be back around 11 to pick them up. I went home made some popcorn and watched Gladiator. I pickd them up took them to Starbuck's drive thru and then there was an after party. I took them there and then had to sit through a whole "do you want to go" "well it's up to you" "well you pick" thing.....shoot me....no really... um yeah well they took so long that I forgot to turn off my lights and the battery drained. well there you go , well they went off to the party (although it took much persuasion for my brother to go) and had to try to find a way to get a jump. Well after awhile I found these guys and I went up to them and asked if they had cables. Well they didnt but they went through a lot of trouble find some for me. well I finally got my car back and then I went for coffee cause all that standing around outside made me real cold. The party turned into a house party. My brother calls me around one something and asks me if I wanted to go home already (thinking I was sitting outside in the car) Well the chick didnt watn toleave and so she said she'd go home with her friend and so we get home adn that was the night. I think he had a good time. Who knows what time the chick went home cosidering that she got to drinking and I felt bad cause in a sense I felt a lil' responsible for gettting her home. I dont know if that was bad judgement on my part but it's not like I could force her home.
I got about a month and a half . Here I go again.......... Its november now and well. Damn. deep breath.... just gotta wait.
Oh one more thing, Hey lys' thanks for the heads up.....
posted by Shaistie at 11:08 PM

 
And now....
Well yup Im a pansy or whatever you'd like to call me Ima bum. Okay yep it's one of those days. Nah on the real I've just been overloaded with ishnit to do and this multi-tasking thing is getting a bit out of hand. Really there is no real response to "How was your day?" okay maybe one that my brain can muster= full, real m****r-f***ing full. S'aight suck it up and deal it's the real world now start getting use to it. I think the lack of zzz's are getting to me a bit, ha sleep, sleep? I dont need you. Okay maybe a good 5 hours and Im game.
Okay enough about that, tomarrow is halloween, yup and dammit the sixers always play on Halloween the times I wish I had TiVo, one solution: Blank tape+VCR and go ol' school with it and avoid sportscenter at all cost. How am I doing? Happy Halloween all! But now part of an accidently non published post, the rest doesnt mater but i think this does:

Nah this whole week has been pretty crazy and on the real It's stuff like this that makes you think. I know I started this post in a tinge of firvolousness but more serious than nothing there are things that get you. Take for instance the fire situation here. Being in that position is something that you may not know how to deal with until your placed in it. What would you take? Im not meaning your damn stereo that esentially can be replaced but what about those things that are absolutely priceless? How would it feel to come home to a no longer existing home? How would it feel to be a 70 year old and see that you house of 40 years is only ash A lifetime of memories. I honestly cannot even come close to imagining it but seeing people in that situation makes you put your issues aside for a minute. May strength be with these people.
posted by Shaistie at 11:57 PM

 
Pazookie!
Well Friday hmm..... Well there was a random plan to go to the beach but that completely fell through well I couldnt go cause I had to pick up my brother and then it turned into a BBq that I also coiuldnt make because yup after a long ass while of putting it off I went and got my nails done. I think I would of procrastinated it a bit more but Alys' made the appointment at her place and so I finally did it. I know there is no real occasion but it's one of those random things that sometimes you just feel like dong. What a bunch of girls we are right lys'? lol. Well after that lys' and me went to dinner had some pizza at BJ's and then oh yeah that's right Pazookie.... Now let me tell you that it's just as good as a pint of ice cream when your not feeling so super inside. We talked, griped about the world, yup real kick back Friday and that was great being that I havent had too much time to relax...
Saturday ya know the usual work.... I've been thinking about getting a new jacket for snowboarding season but then again the one I have now is super so why spend the extra, yup that's right didnt make an unnecessary expense... Im so proud of me... Ok Im a bum whateva (Roxanne tone here) but hey maybe I can look to maybe eventually actually getting a snowboard of my own... So yeah got home pretty late decided to rent a movie on my way home ( didnt think that anyone wanted to go out) and made some Nougat Montilimar. Yep, I do that kind of ish at random but I heard no complaints, but I did get the "what a crackkhead what are you doing now look". It helped though I had my mind occupied welll now I decide to blog since it's slowly whittling down from everyday to whenever I can breathe for 2 seconds, oh well, maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Optimism, yeah.

posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
Tryin' to take over the world and still have my cup of tea...
So yeah life has been well life and there aint too much to do about it. Midterms haev really kicked my ass basically Im running on fumes now no sleep and I've been working like you dont understand so yeah that's partly the reason for my non-bloggingness of these days. Other reason is that I think that my tiredness and recent days have added to my loneliness and making time go by that much slower. A million and one things run through my head heaven help me be patient. Just adding a bit to it maybe it's just me but the last few days it seems everywhere I go, everywhere I look I see people all paired up, all lovey dovey and I know that it's wrong but I cant help feeling a tinge of jealousy because he's so far away and anything if anything is not a definate. Time dammit time.
Well during these days I managed to put together a lil' halloween costume for the party/kickback at Marc's but then technically I think it's Alyssa's Party go figure lol. An d yes Im dressing as something this year. I think partly because it makes me feel a little excited, so out of the ordinary of the whole work and school and ish routine. So yeah as Alyssa would say "is it halloween yet? Is it halloween yet?".
Randomness as usual but I had to get a lil' hostile at the parking lot today. Some female thinks that she can just leave all late and then take MY parking spot pshit she dont know me Im crazy. Get this her excuse was "Im going to be late to class" Im like thinking nah shit that's why I left early to get me a spot. But yeah the matter was resolved mind you with a little threat that I'd key her car (funny shit dont think Im psycho it's just some females that ...well bring the ghettoness). So yeah on the real my english midterm was crazy Never before did I ever come close to filling in a whole blue book. Well here goes I did something of a book and a half around there.
On my list of things to do I crossed another one off I went and ordered the crosage for my brother's homecoming date. Never knew they were fairly expensive. Had half a mind to make one my damn self ya know the whole home and garden channel martha stewart(pre-criminal) thing can have it's ups but nah.
Well procrastination is not my friend so I gotta get my ass to doing some homework (no, on the real, Im gonna do homework) Need to concentrate. Well another day is almost over *sigh* one day at a time is all I can do.
posted by Shaistie at 10:41 PM

 
More of life's randomness...
Pretty normal day, ok what's new really? Been overworked, drained and overall tired. Yup nuttin too different. Nah but on the real Been trying to keep the best foot forward. I know I know I much to blame for my emotional troubles. I've been kickin' my own ass for a long time. Well now that Im so decided to not be so reserved and say how I feel I dont know if I'll have the chance to. I promised myself that I would say everything that I need to say to him, just so I know what to do. I guess what I was telling Brissa was also directed to myself I gotta decide what's worse living with the uncertainty and never knowing ( and knowing I could of done something about it) or put it all out there take a chance and see what happens and get some answers (good one I hope). I cant back out. Now the thing that is bothering me is that I may not have the chance to do so.
Okay well today i get a text and email and a call all from Marc (sorry I got around to responding so late) asking me to help put together a little something for Artur's party for this weekend, yeah going by everyones schedule it's a tad bit short notice but hey spontaneaous is the key word. So yeah basically all we gots to do is figure where to go, what to do, and call all the peoples, oh yeah and what to get him for his b-day. Cant shop under pressure for some reason. Okay not pressure really but when you know your getting something for someone specific I totally blank. But we'll think of something.
Gotta mention this just cause, 'memeber I mentioned that I bought new gloves and scarf for snowboarding later this year well Me and Roxy had this conversation that gotme thinking. Damn you! I've been so excited and then she has to pop out with the what would happen if you broke yor leg before and couldnt go, Okay after waiting this long its kinda making me a little paranoid that with my kinda luck some freak accidient would keep me from it or better yet with this wacko weather we're having here in good ol' southern Cali that there will be no snow. Okay pessimistic thoughts aside lets just say fuck it and "southwest" it over to colorado or utah. Random I know. Oh before I forget I made a new friend Joe. I've read his blog for awhile but only recently I started getting all high tech here with my blog and added the blogroller and counter I know not so high tech but hey Im a little computer illiterate and all that html stuff can be a little intimidating, nah I actually found it to be fairly simple but yeah check out Joe's blog Cut the Shit. Oh and by the way congrats on your show Im so glad that it went so well!!!
Well I still got an ass load of stuff to do and procrastinating is fun but eventually I got to get it done so I guess it's a wrap tonight.....
posted by Shaistie at 11:54 PM

 
:(
Shoulder/back hurts but more than that somethin that advil, tylenol nor aleve can fix. I miss you.
posted by Shaistie at 10:39 PM

 
Time.
Time time time. Where did it all go? Where is it going now? Time is becoming that which is reminding me how old Im getting, that which is the reason for much stress, that which there never is enough of anymore. Ugh. Back to kindergarten anyone? Let's see Friday, I didnt do a damn thing except take my brother to Starbucks for a quick coffee. Um Saturday. Well I worked job #1 and as much as I love that job I hate being taken advantage of. Makes me wanna say fuck you , tough you deal with it Im not gonna solve your problem I got plenty of my own. Came home changed and grabbed my other clothed plus clothes for that party that Kevin was having (I planned on stopping by after work) So off I went to job #2. (9 different parties same place=shoot me) Got off my back and arm werent doing so super. I had text alys' abou the party and she was up for it so I got to her house talked a bit, changed for it and off we went. Um yeah didnt really find it among some crazy "Gravity Hill" streets and so we drove around listening but nope didnt find it so it turns out that Alys' and me just played dress up. Decided to head back to alys' and then talked awhile more and then decided to call it a wrap I had to get up for Job #1 again. Woke up with some crazy pain in my back that ran up to the underneath my shoulder blade, nice. Advil. Headed to work and I've been dealing with it ever since. dont got too much to look forward to. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I bought my snowboardin gloves and a new scarf for snowboarding but uncertainty over what's gonna happen in my life is putting a cloud over it. Needing answers, not knowing how to go about getting them. I feel like shit.




posted by Shaistie at 9:52 PM

 
And you wonder why people look at you wierd..."
I know I have totally sucked at keepin gmy blog upand on the real I wasnt gonna tonite. Okay because of two reasons: A) My ass has been sleep walking B) Cause nothings changed. I havent slept. And Roxy didnt sleep and when you put us together you get a pile of uncensored, unfiltered ramblings, but laughs though nonetheless. Honey, coffee creamer and iced tea--->not a good mix ('nuff said right?). Im really tired but I got this crazy headache and I think it has to do with the obscene list of ishnit that I have to do. I think I gotta start adding another 4 hours to the day, fun. I have to find a way of taking things off my mind, gotta do it. Ran into Malik. Slightly awkward at first but then it was all gravy. I had heard from Jay that he was doing okay and he was also seeing someone. We talked a good 20 minutes and Im glad that he's alright. Then I had to head off. Oh and by the way yeah roxy it's super seeing you during that hour break. SO yeah for the most part trying to stay up to date on work and school, it's hard as hell to, tired. But mostly now beside the tired its that I cant get this off my mind. I've been up studying for exams (it stopped being cute, no really, not funny, enough with it). Almost every second of everyday is taken up. But I keep thinking about this and I cant sleep well.
Random ish that popped into my head I didnt know that Brandy and her husband split. They looked so happy together, in love. No more thoughts. Arnold's governor. Dammit the 112 cd doesnt come out until November, consolation Jagged edge but not the same.....Maybe a lil' chicken and beer.... Okay rambling, maybe I should digress. My mythology professor is a real crackhead bling bling ........okay fork .....done....... it's a wrap. I made no sense. S'aight s'aight. Is it just me or is Babyface's seven seas playing, maybe only in my head. I called it a wrap Im a stick to it ........now........
posted by Shaistie at 11:57 PM

 
Cops, Fan clubs, and Procrastination...
Well the weekend but wait I havent written in a bit, life, life, life, is that what it can be called. Empty. Well nuttin too different in life highlight was Friday, well most eventful anyway. Went to school, class got cancelled, Roxy couldnt decide what to eat and then she wanted a smiley face pancake, you know the real spiffy ones at IHOP. Well we got there and she didnt get the smiley but got international pancakes but yeah I fronted like I knew what the hell I was talking about but I read the menu and so yeah "I just remembered what swedish pancakes were". Well I get this text message from my brother saying he got out at 12:30 ( a whole hour before he really gets out) I didtn trip and went to pick him up but when I got there I texted him and he replied with a "didnt I say 1:30?" all I had left to say to that id "fuck you". Well skipping over called Alyss' and we went out. On my way to her house I get pulled over. Damn. I was only going 80. Damn. Well the cop was kinda young and and here I am scared shitless thinking about how fucked I am for getting pulled over,well He asked me if I knew why he pulled me over and I said no and then he told me I was speeding and I told him I didnt really notice becasue I thought I was going flow of traffic (It was either that or that I needed to pee). Well long story short I got off with a warning and I ended it with a "you have a good night officer". I get to Alyss' house told her about the cop then we went to try the Gelato at Red Brick Pizza. I swear after Italy WE have become obsessed, crackheads I know. Well we had a nice converstaion kinda got serious and then made our way to Jamba Juice to get my pops a honey bran muffin (before I left he's all like "while your out canyou get me one of those Jamba muffins?". Then we called Brissa but she was sick and then after some thought decided that my pool game needed some work . On the way Alyss called Eugene his pansy ass was watching T.V. buthe came any way.
Get to the Bowling alley (it has pool tables) and racked them up, okay here I am frontin like I know. Bottomline if the stick (I know that there has to be a name for it other than stick) ain't taller than me we're in business. Well it took 40 minutes to finish the game, I think Alyss' let me catch up to her though, aww what a pal. Eugene gets there and we play him against us. I developed a small fanclub of guys that were playing at another table a lil' bit of cheers and applause, and yep my face was red. Well then we moved on over to bowling. Well got food first for my three hungry peoples and then started to bowl. My fan club came out to watch a lil' bit then we moved alleys cause Eugene needed to throw his ball from a certain side and I did pretty good. Lets not mention the second game..... Called it a wrap and took Alyss' home. Good night I think, Cops, fanclubs, I made an ass out of myself(but that's not that rare), and shared some stuff with Lys'.
Suppose to do some work and homework and thats where the procrastiantion comes in. But i cant play myself either. I cant get much done because my mind aint all there. The heart is lonely and there aint nothing mush I can do to remedy that right now. There are a million and one things runnin through my head and I dont know if Im ok. I know what I need. Oh I forgot to mention since I havent written that I did play in my last game of the season already and Im alreday thinkin of filling in the extra time. I hate it when basketball is gone. That void that Im already feelin is only growing now that b-ball is done for the season. I sat for awhile on the steps outside my house. no one was home. I had my ball with me, I stared at it for a long time, thinking, about everything. I dont wanna be tweeked in front of people, I gotta brush it off. Just plain dying. But now to my responsibilities, so why havent I been able to stop crying? Dammit.
posted by Shaistie at 10:30 PM

 
Im an ass....
Dude okay I am an ass Im afraid that I was bitchy to Roxy over the phone. She called at the wrong time and I think got the bitchiness that she didnt deserve. The thing is that I was pissed because my dad and uncles took my car without asking and when I go to leave for my game tonight low and behold my car wasnt there. What kinda crap is that? But see that wasnt the only thing they were working inthe garage and parked my car outside last night while they worked but when they finished they didnt put it inthe garage and on Thursdays is the day that the gardeners come so my car is sitting there getting all the dust and crap blown all over it, it was clean and I thought I wouldnt need to wash it but now, ugh, ok relax. So yeah I had to haul crazy ass over to my game and I was so pissed because to top it off I had to stop for gas. So yeah Poxy catches me as I was gonna leave to ask if I wanna go out with her and Eugene, Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On the really Im so sorry. As for the rest of the day , um yeah. Tomarrow is Friday I wish I could be a lil' more excited dont have much planned. I dunno I think I got some residual pissyness and Im feeling bad about the whole roxy thing and nuttins really changed since yesterday. Yuck. Damn .
posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
It's been one of those...
Yeah it's been one of those days, maybe it's only me that has them but for the hell of it humor me if it is. Dunno I just been feeling lonely. Not lonely for friends cause they're all great, but the other lonely. Felt not so super today but between my less than super self and Roxanne's tiredness we made for a couple of jokes that helped. I think I cause Roxy to be a slacker and skip the thing her class was going to (it was a rally) and we stuck around the courtyard area thingy where Target took over and saw people actin' a fool for an XM radio and TV( okay I admit it would of been spiffy to get the TV). Got a couple of laughs from the random landings on complete strangers' laps and the dives people took. But I felt this crazy weight inside and I know why. It's only been a month. I hate this. Im worn out. And Roxy stop trippin'..... Saw Sam, which is a lil' like "speaking of the devil" always got something random to say but got a laugh out of it, he always seems to be in a good mood. My mind is elsewhere, hard to concentrate I'll aim for more next time...
posted by Shaistie at 11:47 PM

 
Happy Belated Ass Grabbing Day
Course this woulda been helpful to all of you Yesterday giving you the excuse to grab someone's tooshie, Or wait do you even need an excuse...Roxy.... LoL Im a fuckin comedian... Nah I didn't do any ass grabbing myself so yep so much for that right? Nuttin much to say really same ol same just doing my one day at a time, Mr. Sunshine where are you? Please....
posted by Shaistie at 10:56 PM

 
What would you do....
I was at work and I heard "what would you do....." and I started thinking about high school all over again. In particular ceramics class where I got countless what would you do's from Sam that kept me laughing at their randomness. Sam's always good for a laugh or throwing a forty at your professor's head , not only will he be drunk but knocked out too. You dont notice it much how time has gone by and how we all evolved a lil'. But then again there are some things that never change and that's okay too. I guess I took a moment to ruminate over things like this. I had some good times in high school and those are the things that make me long for days past. I guess the strain of everyday is gettting to me and making me feel old for some reason.
Well todays blog will exit with a thanks to Roxy for helping me with the fly incident, not one word.... I think it happens to everyone. Nah I think only me.... But yeah I digress---> Had to put that one in for the Bahjeebus of it.... One final question at random what makes an M&M sexy? You got me on that one, could be the eyelashes on the green one, wait that sounds kinda gross who wants to find eyelashes on you green M&M's. Weird topics of converstaion that I should never take part in, Just walk away *shakes head*..... Tired. Shit load to do still. Peace.
posted by Shaistie at 11:29 PM

 
The President did it is not a vaild excuse...
Dunno I saw it on the simpsons at 11pm and thought it was funny. Nuttin much to say really. Got new just the usual. But I got a question if you were to clean out your car right this second how much crap, er stuff would you find? Dunno My car doesnt have much. I think just towels to dry excess water, damn puddles, and the insurance papers, cds. Not much to clean up really. I thought of this nifty one after an interesting convo with one of my friends over the stuff they found intheir car after cleaning it. Sweaters, a 1994 calendar, That damn lipgloss that she swore she told me to hold over a year ago (yup uh huh where was it? That's what I thought) , Nail files, Organizer, cheese grater (you got me on this one), a bagillion zip lock baggies, 2 basketballs ( near deflated), a golf club ( though she doesnt or has ever attempted to play golf) three sets of keys that she has no idea wht they open, how she obtained them let alone remembers the keychains... the list is quite extensive but I'll stop there. he funny thing about it is that her car isnt in a state of disarray in the least bit. Dunno where she had all this ish but it was in there. Hidden compartments? That's so 007, ok Im lame whatevers. But yeah we had a good laugh over it.
Lets see Im also looking forward to the new 112 Cd dunno I have all three of the previous ones those are my jams right thur. I think Carl thomas is also about due for another album too. Anyway I should get back to my Homeworkee ya heard I havent been sleepin well in the least bit so yeah gotta go handle this and then try and get me some zzz's.

Think of other things Shai, and hope the sun aint too far away.................
Thanks Willy.
posted by Shaistie at 11:58 PM

 
Hey hey hey or should I say Ner ner ner....
Either way Im a bum right Roxy? Yeah I've been gone for a lil' while. let's see I guess I can start by saying that Im not so bitter as I was on Wednesday but those are the tpes of things that always keep me feeling so damn insecure about myself. I knowt hat I really shouldnt care as much but admittingly so it bothers me and it makes me feel that much worse about myself. Okay now for the weekend:
Well I was invited to Kevin's party that he was having because his mom was not home I dunno the specifics but yeah. Well the whole icehouse didnt work out and if you heard the "the Icehouse burned down story" it's not really true it was that we simply couldnt make reservations to accomodate the group of 16. Okay I liek the Icehouse burned down story a lil' better just cause it makes it sound a lil more I dunno strike that never mind Im sounding a tinge psycho and that's completely unecessary to reaffirm everyones suspicions of it. Yikes! But yeah any way sorry about the whole Ice house but we'll give it another go soon. Anywho I went to Citywalk with Alys' and that was fun. Had a Hot dog and talked about the crazyness of the world in our usual jumpiness ended walking up and down the place that I lost track of how may times we went back and forth. But that's not important Right Krystal? Lol. Well before we knew it I was trippin out about the lack of people and that the stores were closing and then I look at the time and it was midnight. Where did the time go? Alys' checked and yp it was well into midnight . Time flys. But yeah I ddint go to kevins' and Im feeling a tiny bit bad but the things is that it got moved and there was gonna be less people. Oh wells I had a super time with Alys' . One thing though there's traffic on the 101 at 1:00 a.m ? LOL the scenic route home. Good times.
Saturday Damn, antoher full day. I went to work came home changed pants and my mom had ironed my shirt that I took on the hanger, super, and then we were on our wayto a wedding for our catering. We were going to work at a certain celebs house but then they need more people at the wedding. The bride was simply beautiful she had a glow about her. Sigh. Shake the ideas outta my head but yeah it was all very nice but hella and yes I said hella busy. I dont wanna see another apple nor pear for awhile but it all went pretty smoothly. Personally though I was pretty scurred on the way there, Yeah the way over there werent the safest of ways. Can you say cliff ,lonely,wind-y, your fucked.IT was worse on the way home at 3:00 a.m. cuz thats when i got off. It was beyond dark NO lights but the headlights , foggy as a mother------. and not to sound repetitious but cliff, lonely, wind-y, you fucked. Oh and there were coyotes as a final touch. Anyway the only thing that went wrong at the wedding was the fact that they had to shuttle guest up there and the D.J was a retard and announced that the shuttle was now departing and about 40% of the guest left before dessert could be served. But ither than that I think things were super. Well I als o got the most amazing roses in an absurd amount. The flower arrangement were for our taking at the end of the night. I got a very nice looking one, very beautiful and that's all I got because I didnt wanna look all greedy and take more. There's a very nice waiter that works there maybe two or three years older than me in business school well he went and got me many more roses and I thought it was a terribly nice gesture, so now I have theses amazing flowers in part thanks to him. He really is fun to work with and always so nice to me.
Sunday well I got maybe an hour of sleep and then headed off to work adn then came home to rest for about an hour or so and then I had to study for a test nice huh. Soyeah no sleep really but Im hangign in there. Busy busy.
Today Monday well yeah I took my test . I hung out with Roxy during our break and I got my apple and cookie that I hadnt had for awhile oh and we'll go to Jamba Juice on Wednesday Roxy wink wink. Im tired.
I was thinking though. I haev been thinking. It got a lil' ou there on Friday but didnt get too muchinto it cuz it was suppose to be a fun night. I'd ask why am I so damn defensive but then I alreday know the answer to it. This all ties into the whole I never tell him fully the really on my feelings for him. Im always afraid of doing so. I so badly want to tell him but at the same time I dunno how to explain it , maybe that my feelings will be taken for granted, But then my better judement tells me he's not that type of person. I know why it takes me long before I can get to trust a person but I wish that it could be something that I work on. Either way the flutter he gives me I wouldnt trade for the world. Tomarrow is tomarrow so let's see what it brings.....
posted by Shaistie at 11:49 PM

 
Unpretty...
Why do you have to remind me everyday of this? There's always something wrong. Always something wrong. Dammit dont you think I know this, you remind me everyday. Everyday. Dammit every damn day.
posted by Shaistie at 11:48 PM

 
The Snorks!!!! I knew they were real....I ain't trippin'
Thanks to a lil confirmation from Alys' , Yeah I don't mean to sound like I'm gloating but I knew it , they just had to be real. The Snorks lol. Okay okay Im not crazy but if you all think hard enough you too will remember this cartoon too. Look among other treasured cartoons of our day Transformers, Heman, Strawberry Shortcake, My lil' Pony, Rainbow Brite the list is quite interesting. Dont we all love these lil' trips down memory lane, well among them is the Snorks. LOL. Just thought I should let everyone know that Im not crazy. Well now back to studying and yes studying work now. Must be responsible and no Im not kidding. Well if you still have a hard time remembering the Snorks have a looksey here:

http://www.the-snorks.com/

Oh and my flan turned out super. I hadn't made it in like forever but my momma had a crazy craving for it and then hearing this my brother got a nudge for some too so yeah I came home from work to make flan. I still got it.... what a concieted bastard I know but to be honest I hadnt made it in awhile and I didnt have the recipe so I had to make it from memory and scratch.... My achievement of the day.
posted by Shaistie at 11:46 PM

 
I suck!
Yeah I totally let this blog go for a week so yeah I deserve it I suck. School is school . Work is work. Life well why even go into that. Although I have been a bit happier now (reason need not be said) Im finding that Im feeling quite old. Maybe I have just run myself into the ground with all the extras trying to keep myself occupied. I cant say I have been getting the best sleep but at least I am gettin a bit of it so I cant complain so much. Roxanne maybe your right, Im always doing something and never a full day off. Ay. One day I will. Patience, Patience.Im learning Im trying and in the end getting a hang of this patience virtue will be beneficial. Chin up and hope for a better day. Okay post short but I got ass load of ishnit for skool. Im crossing my fingers.

P.S Thanks Roxy for the lil' reminder.
posted by Shaistie at 9:27 PM

 
You should be shanked....Damn that's harsh... (That's for you 'Lys)
Had to place that inthe title especially because I remembered because usually I forget a really good title and it sucks ass because it was really good..... Okay who am I kidding maybe it's funny or good only to me but you all bear with me. But the title goes along with insecurities. Why we have them or why it seems that some people are just blessed and can seem to have none is a mystery. Or maybe they have just learned to like themselves with all their flaws or whatever, me, well Im working on it. It's kinda funny when I sit and think about how I act and how people around me do the same things. For one when it comes to guys, well one in particular Im such a 3rd grader. And even though I know that I should grow up a little I just get thrown into 9 year old mode and get all giddy. I dunno worked a lot this weekend and I'm off to start a new week at school . The whole thing with him has gotten me thinking. Not in a bad way but hearing how he misses people and how there isnt much to do out there is making me think about how it would be if I should decide to go to UNC. But for now I just gotta keep PATIENCE in mind and not get to ahead of myself and enjoy the moment.
posted by Shaistie at 11:37 PM

 
Exhausted but smiling...
Labor day weekend.... Yup... To be honest I started it thinking about how much work it involved and Since He was gone I havent been my happiest. Roxy being the superest person she is went out with me on Friday. We got her food and I enjoyed my first soda in months (by choice I add I've been sticking to water and Gatorade). We headed of to Citywalk and just walked around and had Latte and she had that Orange Juice she just had to have, lol. Had a good time, can always count on Roxanne for a good laugh, thanks so much. Called it a wrap and took her home and then went home.
Saturday, worked 13 1/2 hours (Damn Labor day sales) and then came home to an empty house. Parents went to a quincianera. Text Big for a little while and then text Alyssa a little (she was in Vegas, hope she ahd fun)and then went going out with Roxanne again. Met up with her, Eugene and the Slav. Headed off and spent the rest of the time at Denny's (back to high school but something about unlimited refills on Capuccinos and sodas that was appealing especially after a long day of work except you Roxanne :P just kidding) Well we joked about random ish that as time went on got less and less filtered and got some laughs at the Slav's expense (He set himself up though and that "seductive side ways stare" was good for a laugh or two).
Sunday, Worked 13 hours. Tired, but content with blocking to a certain extent my thoughts. But I got a little surprise when I checked my Cell. Okay not little it was a big surprise. He called me. Okay I got to write it again He called me. Im still a little in disbelief. See pessiistic side took over completely and for one I thought he wouldnt even take my cell number with him. Well I call him because on his voicemail he sounded a little sad. Jitters in my tummy and all, I did. Apparently there isnt much to do in Kansas and it was raining. He wasnt home sick, he just missed the people and things to do. Basketball is doing well and he's working real hard at it. I could sit here and write everything he said but that would be exceedingly long and I got and early morning but I'll juat say that he always has a way of making me feel special, of giving butterflies, of making me blush even over the phone. It's so good to hear him. Even though it'll be 3 1/2 months before he can come home for christmas Im happy right now that he hasnt forgotten me. A little more good news Gizmo is going home from the hospital. Tonight I went bowling with Roxanne (Yup three days in a row but it was great), Agnes ( She's so adorable) Eugene , the Slav and his girlfriend and guess who else CHELI!!!!!!!!!! She brought her brothers and Justina we all hung out. Had some laughs and then around 10 she , her brothers and Justina left. After the lane expired we went to Denny's hung out once again laughed at the Slav's expense. It feels good to smile. *sigh* Now to bed cuz I got work tomarrow.
posted by Shaistie at 1:57 AM

 
Nobody said it was easy, but no one said it'd be this hard....
Labor day weelend is here and that intails more work. Moms is trying to convince me to go down to Laughlin with my brother for the weekend but I doubt that I will go, why add to my left outness. Looks like work only this weekend It's good but then again it only reaffirms my no life. Nah its not so bad. I need time. I was sitting in my history class and drifting into happy memories of better times and it only brought a sad smile. I was thinking of the day we met. Tournanment is going ok except that Im thinking about him. Didnt play so bad.Hope that basketball with ok with him too. It's important to him. He's worked hard for it. I just thought of the day we played that really jacked up version of basketball at his house and I shot over him, a three, even if he said it wasnt , it was, but maybe he let me have that one.That smile, such a show off. Damn I miss him. Would it be so wrong to call him now? Got another full day tomarrow. I dunno if people are going away havent really talked to much to anyone this week. But for now Im just trying to get through today. I've been thinking of you til it hurts, but what else can I do I miss you. Im sorry.......


posted by Shaistie at 12:04 AM

 
Contagious...
Im wondering if my sadness is contagious. That's one of the reasons Im hesitant to talk about it. Everyone is doing fine and here I go messing with that. Im so sorry. I really am. I really am.
I got an email from Mary. It's so good to hear from her. It's become so hard to keep in touch but Im trying. Hopefully we can all get together for coffee or lunch or dinner or whatever gives us time to talk about our endless list of things to talk about.
Labor day weekend coming. Not too excited but at the same time it brings the work necessary to pay bills and more importantly to keep my mind occupied.
Earthquake. Yeah. California ha. at the risk of sounding wierd or something It was a little bit cool just cause it'd been awhile adn NO Mars isnt causing it.
School. okay except for the reminders but those are everywhere.
Long day, done.
posted by Shaistie at 12:00 AM

 
Following me everywhere....
Second day of school, done. English 313 is ok the professor has a wierd sense of humor but it keeps me awake. Professor for civilization before 1500 is one I know Im gonna have not the superest time with, He used to teach in Yale and Harvard and Cambridge and now in UCLA and part time at Csun. He doesnt care who you are completely impersonal and a prick. So ends that. Making the best effort to hide my feelings. But it follows me everywhere. I thought I had played my last game of the season but we got one more go at a little tournament. Busy. Reminders. I cried on my way home. Radio made it worse. "Walked outta heaven" Jagged Edge. Enough said.



I'm rolling down a lonely highway, asking God to please forgive me
For messing up the blessing he gave to me, I see
Everything clearer now
The nights as black as black as it's ever been, without my boy
I'm losing
And I pray that he just sheds his grace on me
I need just to be back with my baby

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away,
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

See my momma told me that if it's meant to be
he'll come back, and he'll forgive me
But, the best thing I can do
Is to just let him (let him) go
I know
I don't
Want to do it
But if I continue to push, he'll just pull away
And I know that in my heart it's a reality
I didn't treat him like he wanted to be treated
And I hope that he's not gone for good, no

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
And don't know what to do
To get back right with you
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

Baby, I pray back for you all the time
So tell me what's wrong with my life
And I tried
I tried

I feel like I can't walk
I feel like I can't talk (I can't do it, no)
I don't know what to do
To get back right with you
I feel like I just walked out of heaven

If you ever have somebody
(I feel like I can't talk)
If you ever have somebody
But you know without that one somebody

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
And don't know what to do
To get back right with you
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away,
Like a child that's lost their temper
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
It's raining. It's not raining over here, Damn you do have bad luck.
First day of school in the books. Parking horrible as usual, was late to my first class because only one shuttle was working even though I was there 25 minutes before my class started. My geology professor changed, so much for the eh level of the class. Met a girl named Anna who was nice and we talked like we knew each other for like ever. The guy who talked to her talked to me but I ddint really hear his name. The guy next to me talk to me I couldnt hear him to well he spoke kinda low, seems nice, class was slow but nice to have people to at least say one or two words to. Headed off to meet Roxy. On the way saw a guy and thought it was Him from behind so I walk a little faster knowing all the time that it wasnt him but could convince myself of it until I saw him, it wasnt Him. Break was spent at Cheli and Eugenes Russian class,no clue what they were saying. Greek and Roman Mythology class long, teahcer thinks he's a comedian Ok a suppose. Went to work, returned Big's call talked for awhile, Felt bad for not being able to be upbeat. Mind played tricks on me all day. Wonder how He's doing. It started raining at my house and BIG said it's not raining over here, Damn you do have bad luck. The sad thing is I know. Day over.
posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
Keeping occupied, adding school to my plate...
This summer hasnt been great. Now that it's coming to an end I cant say that Im not glad to see it go. I never thought that I could be so messed up inside I never thought that my life could go so wrong in a matter of months. Maybe that comes with not having a plan and living day to day thinking that I could handle things that came my way thinking I had the answers when in reality when everything came down at once Im breaking down. Im put into delf doubt and questioning me. I thought that I could handle everything. Maybe Im not the person I thought I was. I thought I was stronger. So now I have something else to fill the days and time. The time that just tortures me with thoughts and regrets DIving head first into my work and school to pass the time. This summer, I wish it never happened for me. Tomarrow I start school knowing that there will be no chance of seeing him anymore reality sinks in. At home Im almost nonexistent and it's starting not to feel like home anymore. Got my best friend in the hospital. This time basketball cannot cure this one , I tried to no avail. I dont know if I did the right thing. Hoping for the better days that have failed to come, Im just hoping to get through the day.
posted by Shaistie at 11:57 PM

 
Kansas
Yeah he left today or should I say yesterday. I dont know how to describe it all I feel like someone has let the bottom of the floor just drop and Im falling. The lump in my throat has made me feel like throwing up and Im trying my hardest not to cry uncontrollably. I found out through Kevin. What makes it absolutely the worst is that He was having a going away party and Kevin was suppose to tell me and he forgot. HE FORGOT. He tells me this and Im already leaning up against something and trying to keep composure. He forgot. Now I feel even worse just thinking that maybe He thought I had better things to do than to be there. That his going away wasnt important, that I didnt care to say goodbye. Nothing can be farther from the truth. This is just cruel. Im ready to quit everything. I dont wanna get out of bed I dont wanna pretend to be happy I dont wanna do this anymore. How did everything just go so horribly wrong? Guillermo i n the hospital, Stress at home and work, and now He's up and left. HE left and I cant even tell you how much this is hurting I just wanna fo away. I see him in everything and everywhere there isnt anywhere to go. I went out with alys' and Cheli to try and distract myself and thanks so much for keeping me company you guys Im sorry I couldnt be at my funnest I tryed. Stephen called to cancel on me. He couldnt get off of work and I think it was better that way now with this I absolutely could not be any company to him. Im feeling alone and empty, I tryed to be optimistic Ithought I could handle things but I cant I cant and maybe love isnt enough. Maybe Im not enough.
posted by Shaistie at 1:32 AM

 
It's just good to hear you....
Well last night and all of today was not so good. On Wednesday I found out that my best friend Guillermo was in a really bad car accident and I thought I would just lose it. Complete utter helplessness and maintaining some sort of composure. Freaking out helps very lil' but I cried so much all of last night. I dont know what I would of done if anything happened. Well after surgery the worst of it was over and now he has to heal a broken arm, leg, couple ribs but he's in good spirits and Im so incredibly happy to report that he'll be fine. That's where he has been and thats why I havent been able to reach him. Dammit if he ever does that to me again I'lll break his other leg. It was so good to hear him and even though he couldnt talk much just having him say it's just good to hear you and knowing that he was there made everything that much better. So get well soon willy!!!!!!!!
LIl' side note before I go I gotta get a lil sleep being that I havent slept but an hour since wednesday yeah I called stephen and we're going out tomarrow and to the movies and we're gonna see Bad Boys II this'll be the third time but as alys' can agree you can never get enuff of Will smith. so yeah We're meeting around nine the problem is I dunno where at Citywalk yup NOT helpful and I cant remeber him to clearly now, all I remember is he had nice teeth. Im gonna be walking around "hey can I see your teeth?" Not good. Dunno if he remembers me all that well either. Problem? Well cant worry about that too much and I just hope its ok and in any case I got my caller already lined up Thanks Alys'!!!!!!!!! I guess in the back of my head is "HIM", but I hope that I can at least be ok company for Stephen.
Now to try to sleep and at least now the only thing that is great is that my Willy is gonna be ok.
posted by Shaistie at 11:55 PM

 
Just saying....
Blah today. Same ol' same. not much different, tryed to get a beach expedition going, dunno if it'll work out.Thinking.
posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
A week away... Miles away
Well its exactly a week before school starts and even though its another thing to fill inthe gaps of idleness that allow for thinking Im already thinking about papers, reading, and finals, Yeah really going ahead arent I? Alys' started school today hopefully it wasnt too bad. But yeah I still got books to buy as well as a parking pass yup my money tree died what the hell man? And all of the sudden gas decides to go f-in expensive on me, really no not cute. I havent heard from Guillermo in awhile Im reallly beginning to worry, he gots some crazy explaining to do ya heard me? And with the begining of the school year comes the kick in the ass that tells me that he's gone. I sat here for awhile going through some things. The things that I have kept during all this time. Letters, pictures, reminders. Just remembering. It's amazing how vividly I remember those things. Making my heart still skip a beat, causing me to sigh, giving me smiles, and ultimately causing me to cry, longing for all that back, wanting it all back so badly. Now miles away.
posted by Shaistie at 11:45 PM

 
Cheese n' Monkeys, Bread n' Dogs
Yeah wierd but it's been a bit of a picker upper that I've used lately... It seems that lately we're all not doin' so well. Life.... I guess for the most part all we can do is wait it out. Work was a little better, at home I hardly said two words to my pops I think the only thing we said to each other the whole day was when we were having dinner he asked if I wanted bread. This usually happens when he knows that he was out of line. Yeah nuttin much else to write I spent like 2 hours on the phone with Roxanne and like 1 and a half with Alyssa never run outta things to talk about do we? I hope that you all feel better and that things get better for all of you.
posted by Shaistie at 11:41 PM

 
Wishing work lasted all but the four hours I need to sleep...
I got up wetn to work and even though I have been having little difficulties with the people that work under me, mostly issues of being taken advantage of, but to be honest I havent gone through full blown Bitch mode on it but Im so close to it. Um after dealing with that ish it was just keeping myself occupied with everything . Came home and then had to deal with bullshit here. Pops is being such a prick and my mom is adding to it. I think that all three of them love gettingon me for any little thing. I swear do I have a kick me sign or something? This is only adding to my reasons to leave list. Maybe it'd be better if I do so. I hate to sound like Im giving in giving up but Im at such a breaking point. Im done. I wish to sleep for so long to not feel anything to not think. As much as Im dreading the papers due and all the assigned reading it'll be good to go to school just to add to the list, and even though I might be wearing myself to a crazy point anything but anything to avoid thinking and dealing with all this shit. I feel bad that I wasnt able to see Alys for coffee but then I found out that Marc's mom is sick. i hope she's ok. Damn no Im not crazy but I have been living off 4 hours of sleep a night cant get anymore, dont need anymore. Oh just gotta add a little something his name really is Stephen and I know ths because he called. We didnt talk for long mostly my fault because he asked what I was doing I said I was getting ready to go out which was a total lie but today wasnt the best day. He's a little on the shy/nervous side but why put him on full blast for that? He offered his phone number and I didnt wanna make him feel dumb (it's mean to make someone feel more self-conscious than they do already) but yeah caller I.D had already taken care of that. So we said we'd go out sometime and we'd talk soon. Well Im sticking a fork in it Im done..............
posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
Hey Brissa...
Well yeah um today was no different than any other went to work early came home Mom wanted to go looking for a present for my lil' sis' first communion no luck finding anything that just screamed "WOW" so she bought a shirt and I got new earings(just in case I lose one I got a back up pair at hand okay and they were nice). Got home and didnt really wanna be at home to think. Didnt knoe if alys' was back yet and Roxy was at Agnes' so couldnt really make it a full blown girls night but went out with Brissa so it was still a girls night lol I made no sense but yeah. Headed off to the the Northridge mall area and decided to get some Jamba Juice (good call Brissa). Then with juice at hand we headed off to walk the now closed mall. We discovered something it aint so bad doing it this way. See sadly you cant ever go to the mall "just to see" you almost always buy something no matter how small it is. But if you go when everything is closed you can only do just that "just look". Well we got a lick outta dat walked back to my car and then decided that citywalk was the place to be and headed over there. We walked around and it was great that many people and the music was all a great distraction so yeah Brissa you started it!!! She all of a sudden says "did you see that guy?" Lol Actually there was a fair amoount of attractive males at the place. So we kept walking around listening to the music got asked to danced but declined because yes we are only 20 only 7 months to go, 4 for you Brissa I hate you nah nah Im playing.BUt our walking led us to the fountain thingy of Universal Studios were we continued our conversation. Sitting near us were these 2 guys. One was wearing tis really nice hat and ok yeas he was attractive but at the time me and Brissa were talking about "him" . My heart sinks at the thought of this. It's funny really because all the good times can make me so incredibly happy and just remembering that he's leaving destroys me inside. We after awhile we decided to continue our converstaion walking. So we get up and leave and start walking. A little ways down Outta of the corner of my eye I see the white hat and think nothing of it. We keep walking and I still see the hat. Brissa wanted to go into a store called "Glow" I think just for the bajeezus of it and I ask Brissa if she had noticed the guy at the fountain and she said not really she kinda was sitting in a way that it would be hard to. Well Im thinking that they are long gone and didnt look back anymore. Well yeah so me and Bris keep walking and really the music just makes you want to dance so there were occasional shimmy's and such . We keep walking and joking about all the old times in high school (change of subject cause I didnt wanna bring the mood too down) and then I feel a slight bump and a low "so where we going" I look over and it's the guy with the white hat. I think he was a little nervous which I thought was kinda cute, I guess he got he guts to say something in one of the loudest sections that I hope his name is Stephen. Well he said his movie was about to start and asked if he could talk to me later and yes I did give him the real number. It doesnt realy matter if he calls or not it was a little confidence booster. As low emotionally as I am my self esteem is draggin with it. I havent even tryed lately I've been going the baggy pants and shirts route. Hair is whatever and make up is very light. It's been that way unless Im going out with friends in which an effort is made, it helps to hide my saddness that I dont wanna show too much of so not to depress any of them. So tonight I rocked the J.lo hat and my new earings and boots (suede sucks had to dodge bubbles but I love them boots). So yeah regardless of it boosted me up a little. But now I have some guilt. And I miss "him" so much.I came home and I cant sleep and decided to blog and I randomly checked Alys's blog not expecting to find a change being that I didnt know what time she'd get home but yeah I hope you feel better. I wish I woulda known she got home maybe citywalk might of helped but we'll do something real soon!!!!!!!!!ANd alys' remember people who like bread like dogs..... I read Roxy's Im sorry Damn work but we'll do something soon too, it's called a phone....
posted by Shaistie at 2:37 AM

 
Damn virus/Worm whatever the bajeezus it it is....
Well first of all what kind of person gets joy outta f-in with peoples computers, really, is it that f-in hilarious? Do they get some twisted-ass pleasure? Well yeah basically that sucked I think my brother fixed it although Im not comletely sure but hey it's a lot better thatn I could do being that my computer fixing skills are limited to the basics. Last day I wrote was on Sunday so what its been like 4 days and your in for a shocker, everything is about the same. Carrying the smile, realizing classes are starting soon and my schedule sucks monkey ass, Im looking foward to pushing my credit card debt by a few hundred thanks to my books and parking pass and I think as the semester progresses the reality of his leaving will present everywhere I turn. I have yet to decide a major but these career counseling appointments I've been going to have been in some way a form of free therapy. Went to Eugene's for a little improv BBQ and it was great seeing all them people, Work , work, work,work.... I shouldnt think. I shouldnt think.
posted by Shaistie at 11:46 PM

 
15 minutes about rocks...
Long day. Came home got shit for not taking my brother to Fry's and then stating how muchit sucked that he an dmy mom had already goten a vacation and I've done next to nothing on mine. They dont get it and I basically wanna say fuck it why the hell so you take pleasure in making me feel like shit. No comfort anywhere. Actually around 2 siomething in the morning I got a text from roxy and at the time I couldnt really decipher whether I was dreaming or not. I talk to Roxy for like almost 2 hours which got me into another state of mind so who cares if we were talking about rock laws in national parks and monkeys and their feeding habits and cows adn how tipping affects them. Hopefully it was a nice distraction for her too. Just think about it this way roxy you get to do this every Monday Wednesday and Friday during that hour break and class we got. Ay not much more but to say I feel like shit.
posted by Shaistie at 11:22 PM

 
Breakdown...
I lost it today. Somewhere between all the memories and all the pessimistic thinking and simply everything it just all piled up and I ended up cryin in a bathroom stall during my break. How could things turn out so badly? I just want to say Im done, no more. I've been working myself like crazy and although it masks it for awhile the reality is that eventually it's going to be there the moment the very second you stop. It makes you lose sleep, it follows you even though you push and push trying to keep it in the back of your head and then all you can do is accept that it's another failure to the list. It cant be done. I didnt eat much today. Didnt feel like it I think I had a bottle of water and one of the blueberry muffins I made. Hour long minutes this day was too too long. This is just hurting badly. A lot of self questioning. not much to write.
posted by Shaistie at 11:14 PM

 
________
No title. Not much to say that I havent written already. No path to follow, head is too full to go to sleep. Not in the mood to blog but not much else to do. Just thinking. Only thinking. I got my dad's car stereo fixed-- Thanks Eugene your the best, I didnt play so good today. I couldnt concentrate. Yeah .

posted by Shaistie at 11:42 PM

 
Meet me in my dreams....
Dear dear blog I've been away from you for awhile long. Unfourtunately I have to report that little has changed. Im feeling very very spent. I think all the overtime, housework, basketball and going out is taking it's toll on the body. I've been saturating myself so I could avoid thinking, to try to slow down the emotional drain that comes with this heartache. I've tryed to fill myself with things to do so to have less time to think. To my dismay it has helped little to none. It's only made me be tired on all sides. I guess there is no real escaping it because Im up for hours thinking about it. I check my clock and the time goes by so slowly and eventhough I am tired I just cant push my mind to a blank so I can sleep. And when I do get to sleep Im surprise to be met with dreams that are only but huge let downs when you realize they are ony dreams and just that. I had a dream of this nature. I was at school and the buildings usually have glass doors. I was walking out of class and then he comes out the door with a faceless friend. I walk to a staircase and he's in front of me all of a sudden. Then in a flood of words I tell him everything in tears. His eyes are watery and tells me "dont do this, please dont do this. Dont cry... I interupt him with"I have to, I have to tell you this for me and because you need to know, because it's hurting me so badly inside not to be able to tell you, for five years I've been this way and it wont just go away, I wish that you werent going, I'd wait for you if you'd ask me to... Then he says" Is it like that? Really?" He hugs me and I say " Why do you have to go , why do you have to leave me, why?" Then somewhere along the line Alys' shows up and we all move to a white patio table and I see red roses kinda in a flowerstand but not. Alys' says"what are you going to do?" to me. I look to him and he hands me a red rose and kisses me his hand grasping my hand, he looks at me and then before he says anyting I wake up. Wondering if it really happened, it all felt so real, so palpable. the firmenss in his grasp, the hug the kiss I strained to think and then with a sinking feeling I realize it was indeed a dream. I wrote it down in a notebook I keep in a drawer near my bed. I cant explain how much of a let down it was. Not much has changed though since I last blogged. It's things like this that shake me up. Continuing the stirring of emotions that further add to my unrest.


se va muriendo el corazon porque te fuiste
por mas que intento no lo puedo conformar
echo candado a su dolor no quiso abrirme
y yo le pido que no deje de latir

se va muriendo el corazon y no hay remedio
por mas que intento no lo puedo alimentar
le pido a Dios que me ilumine desde el cielo
que la llovizna no se vuelva tempestad

si tu no vuelves
si tu no vuelves morira
si ya no vuelves
en tu conciencia quedara

si tu no vuelves
si tu no vuelves morira
y yo tambien
con su dolor mi amor ira
si no vuelves

se va muriendo el corazon y no hay remedio
por mas que intento no lo puedo conformar
le pido a Dios que me ilumine desde el cielo
que la llovizna no se vuelve tempestad

si tu no vuelves.

posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
The Cheesecake Picker-Upper
So after a long day, a very long day I went to Basketball and played. We won but as usual my ankle needed its icing. All during the game in the back of my mind I was thinking about him. I remember this one day during P.E we didnt dress and we got a basketball and were playing. He had basketball conditioning that period and they didnt dress either so some of tehm joined our game. I usually have such an issue about this because I get self conscious and dont play as well as I could. But that day it was different. I hit a couple of threes and then from undr the basket he passes me the ball so i give it back to him but he passes it back so I shoot and I hit a two. Here I am almost beaming fromthe props recieved by the guys watching but mostly from the one from him "we make a good team...." I was thinking about that and most recently when I went to his house that "game" we played. All this and more. The look in his eyes. But yeah I was tring really hard to concentrate somewhere near the end my phone starts to ring. Eventually I can get to it and it's Alyssa. I text her and then after I get home and a quick run through shower I check my voicemail and she tells me she has to give em something, I was like W.T.F (in a good way) ? But yeah I call her and she wont tell me what it is. Later she comes over and she brings me Cheesecake! Thanks Alys' sooooo much for the boost. She stayed awhile we talked and I told her that I've been hanging up before the first ring that I dont know how to put in words what I need to say. Im just so afraid to ask what if anything I meant. I wish that we would of been more straight forward from the begining but that was one of the mistakes I made, I hate being so pessimistic and I think about being another one on a list. That I wasnt enough, that I didnt mean anything. I so badly want to ask if I ever meant anything. There's no real way of asking. But for now I'll find some comfort in cheesecake. Thank Alyss' you brang me a smile.

Que triste es...
no tenerte junto a mi lado,
besar tus labios,
Que triste es...
no poder tocar tu piel,
acariciarte y abrazarte,
pero muy fuerte ...
vivir a plenitud este romance
y otra vez...
escuchar tu voz
gritarme...te Amo

Yo solo se...
que esta noche,
te extranio tanto
y no sabes...
lo que yo...sufro
por...tu querer.

He tratado
de enterrar mis emociones
y no logro continuar enganiandome,
es inutil...
el seguir negando...
que te Amo

Dentro crece cada dia mas,
la pasion que siento por ti...
ninguno se puede igualar
al bello recuerdo que vive en mi.

Yo solo se...
que esta noche...
te extranio tanto
Y no sabes lo que yo...
sufro por...no tener...
tu Amor...



posted by Shaistie at 11:51 PM

 
Ice Cream and Heartache
It's near midnight and Im up. Nothing unusual about that really. My head hurts my eyes are puffy and I cant make this hurt go away. I dont know what Im doing anymore. I thought I had solutions for everything but now that I need them more than anything I seem to be at a blank, a stand still. I dont ever remember feeling this helpless. I tryed calling but I hung up before it rang even once. Kevin was suppose to get my pool key today but I lied and said I was out I need to get away. Away from me. Away from the self questioning, the what if's everything. Everything. Everything. I guess it's all manifesting in the form of a giant snowball after pretending to be ok. I dont want to believe in anything. Im tired.nothing is making sense anymore. all day Kansas or Ohio. I dont know how Im going to get use to the idea of never seeing him again. It's hard to get use to the idea of being left in distant memories. No matter how many tears I cry now ther's little I can do. Im terrible at putting all this in words right now. All I'll have is some pictures a few letters and memories which I keep in a little box. I just really needed to cry and see if that eases this. it's one now. But without a doubt I wish him all the best all the happiness even if that means a brokenheart for me. If going away is what he needs to do then it'll be wrong to try to stand in the way. I have a very long night ahead of me.


Corazon no llores
qué le vamos hacer
Si el destino se opone
imposible volver

Si el rosal no esta muerto
ni sus flores
marchitas estan
si nos abren las puertas
de la felicidad
si la fe no esta muerta
algun dia volvera si la fe no esta muerta
algun dia volvera
Yo vivo con la pena
de amarlo ciegamente
con loco frenesi
Yo sé que el me quiere
que todo lo que tiene
me pertenece a mi

Yo sé que esta sufriendo
que se esta consumiendo
de tanto padecer
Y yo me estoy muriendo
porque el destino dice
que ya no puede ser
ya no puede ser



posted by Shaistie at 11:52 PM

 
"KANSAS or OHIO"
Either or. No I didnt call him but Kevin called and the converstaion went into classes for next semester amd he had mentioned that they always take a class together or soemthing so I asked what about this semester and Kevin said that "He" might not be her. I asked really why not? and he said he's going to either Kansas or Ohio. I found out this way because I havent called.I feel bad because it's almost as if Im using him to find out stuff. Pathetic and wrong. Well atually this time I didnt spend an hour on the phone only like 20 minutes max. I was also talking Brissa online. Anyway he's coming to get my pool key tomarrow he didnt get one or something and he's gonna get a dupicate or something (even though your not suppose to). But yeah I dunno but Im hoping that he'll get the friend vibe. Oh the guy from the club called, no not Haron but Daniel the one that was stiff . I didnt answer the phone and he didnt leave a message. I did the usual today and as an added bonus I managed to piss my dad off. See we were gonna go get ice cream and motor oil (not together yuck) and on the way to get ice cream he starts side-seat driving which absolutely gets on my last nerve. So I said forget it I dont want Ice cream anymore and drove to the Kragen to get the oil. We drove home in silence and didnt talk at home. I've been doing the same ol' . But mostly wondering about him. Wondering about everything worrying about everything. Sobra decir that I've been hurting. so I leave you with this:

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
Maybe there's still is a way I can find you and say
Just how I feel.

I can't believe that's it's over
Wish somehow I could have showed him
All that was inside of my heart 'stead of playing the games
You might have stayed

Funny just the other night I was thinking
I wonder if you ever think about me
I call you on the phone, there's no answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
If there's a way I could beg you to stay would you please
Stay with me.

I was thinking maybe I could come over
Hoping we could finally work this out
Even if tonight we don't find an answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

If I had another chance
We would stand hand in hand
I'd be your girl and You'd be my man
Oh Well, maybe just maybe we can.

I still call you on the phone still no answer
Maybe later on I'll try one more time
Or am I just a fool to keep trying

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, a fool's what I am
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe
See if I got down on my knees and gave you every little part of me.

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely


It's raining now, maybe the heavens are empathizing with me and deciding not to let me cry alone.



posted by Shaistie at 11:39 PM