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It's a wrap and I quit...
A big ass whoo hoo, a lil' shimmy, and a heel click cuz my ass is done with finals....IT'S A WRAP!!! After a million days of no sleep, enuff caffeine in me for the next year I can just chill I forgot that Im tired... I cant believe I spent so much time in the Library...
Yesterday on my last day of up until midnight library studying my buddy here brought me some Taco Bell, it was great although I felt like I was satisfying a munchies attack (Everybody loves Nachos!!!)
Now that I had my moment, I'll go into something that now has me stressin'... You see on my lil' expedition in search of "nutritious" food to eat while studying I saw him. Dammit had I not debated and gone 30 minutes earlier or finished the chapter I was reading I would of missed him, I was feeling yucky c'mon no sleep who feels flirty or anything but gross. I was pretty bummy too not to mention that I got this crazy ass stain on my jeans that I have no idea where it came from( when your sleepy and tired you stop givin a f---) so yeah Im thinking this is so not necessary right now, why couldnt he catch me on one of my "I actually tried just in case I saw you "days... Well I was on the celly with my friend telling him about my lil situation that we'll get into in a bit and if it sounds bad I'm sorry I looked down before he saw me and was in that "if I cant see him he cant see me" things. No luck( okay I'll admit its always great seeing him :) ) He calls me and I did a lil' I'll call you back--- Yeah whatever happened to the Bros before ho's deal (I still gotta think of the female version for that cause that sounds really wierd) So here's the usual conversation and Im feeling like we're going back. Dammit like nothing happens we're always doing that. So after awhile we say bye cuz I had to get my food(like it matters I would of stayed there longer) and he had to get to his other job (poor guy 3 jobs and finals) and so we say bye and nothing
I'm re-eading it do I really sound that psycho? oh well that's what was going on ). I feel like everytime we move foward just as quickly we move back. So I get my food and get back into my little cubicle and maybe it was cuz I was tired and the little things were getting to me or maybe I got a surge of braveness(nah most definately the first one) I text him. Yeah no call but the excuse was he was at work and calling him would be ineffective. So I text him "we need to talk... but after finals". I have no idea how Im gonna ask him what's up with us this time, to tell the truth Im really afraid. Just over a lot of things. I dont want it to sound like Im pressuring him into anything I just wanna know what to expect. I need the lines to be a little more defined. So yeah I've been thinking everything that could go with this all these damn questions that I wont have an answer to until we talk. Ive been tormenting myself expecting the worst, thinking of alll the things that he could be thinking good and bad
. We need to talk....I need to know what my heart is in for. 5 years now... Im scared.

posted by Shaistie at 12:17 PM

 
So she swears she's Ariel....
So I have had a total of 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.... Not good and not getting any better.... Finals are a real BIOTCH!!!! I've been studying at the library (yeah I know the library and me LOL) til about midnight for the past two days and looking on going on a third yuck!!! I havent much time to debate on whether to call him or not especially cuz of all the damn studying(dont be surprised I do study)....I had this crazy profound talk with Roxy and yeah I got pretty damn emotional, topics that are hardly touched for my emotional sake....
posted by Shaistie at 11:40 PM

 
So why don't you just go and f--kin' marinate in it?

Damn things have really been going downhill...I know I know my Sixers lost(but at least they didnt cry like the lakers did right?) Nah it always sucks to lose but Im already hyped about next season and still sporting my nifty-ass Sixers jersey with much pride, I'll see you alll in the finals next season!!!!!!!!
I didn't get to post anything cause my brother proceeded to take the cable off the computer that turns it on.... Why? We got into this crazy argument and yeah. I needed to clear my head and so I took a drive to nowhere in particular. I went to the highest place and watched the city lights for about 30 minutes. The moon was great it had this crazy ass orangey tinge to it. Too add to it I was kinda bummed because he said he'd call and he didnt. Ok I forgot to mention that the last 3 minutes of regulation were being played and he called to ask if I was nervous(that was a big Hell yeah) and to tell me that my sixers were gonna lose cause I had teased him about his lakers. Can you say worst time to call? Yes and No. He told me to enjoy the rest of the game and that he'd call me after....He didn't but I already mentioned that. See I may sound like those "Why didntchu call me?" girls but he said he would and that's what bugs me. Don't say your gonna do something and then you dont do it.... you leave people expecting something. I would of been completly fine if he didnt say he was gonna call. So yeah I've been in a pretty bad mood. Then my parents come home and reward my brother for being an a-hole with a frappucino (It wasnt an actual reward but thats how it felt). That was all Friday.
Today I believed that I was gonna get studying done (no such luck) I did read some for my chicano studies final on Wednesday to alleviate some of the burden of studing for Biology as well. I got two other Finals and all I gotta do is survive until Wednesday... So on that note I'll be going back to the studying mines.... I think I procrastinated enuff.
posted by Shaistie at 9:38 PM

 
So did you wrist your tape?..."

This the kinda ish I deal with at practice, damn people cant even spoke right..... Good lord that was a good laugh... Hmm... today, what happened today? Well after the crazynesss last night to my surprise I wasnt tired (until I got home at 1:35 pm and took a lil' nap). I actually got most of the lab done, the highest score I could get is a 102/110 which isn't that bad. After my geography class, I saw the Hiromi, the Candy, and the Roxanne(always more fun to say it that way).We made way to our lab class. Apparently Roxanne's prostituting for answers didnt go so well (wierd text message at like one something in the morning trying to finish the assignment). So poor Roxy had to rely on my "brilliant" answers (please let them be brilliant). So we have the oddacity of sitting outside the class "checking each other's answers" before we turned them in. We honestly lost all shame cuz da professor was going to close the door and saw us and said "still workin' on it?". Who cares though it was the last class of the semester(forgive my lack of enthusiasm but finals are next week).
Class lasted only 15 minutes and then freedom... Roxy and I were on our way to the Pub and halfway there I get a call from the Cheli askin if we wanted to meet at the Burger King on campus. So we get there and have random conversations (damn I miss those). I did a little impression of Roxy flirting, she was a good sport about it though. I went to buy my usual cookie and apple juice combination and saw the cutest little boy there. He was with his dad (around my age but he was really attentive and loving to his son talk about a heart melter). Although Im no where near ready to have a kid anytime soon I could totally picture the scenero. After they all went to class, Roxy and me hung out for awhile, talked about my lil' encounter with him yesterday. I hate turning red (I hate it even more when someone tell me that Im turning red) so when I get to the part when we kissed I cant say it. I just say "stuff happened" to avoid saying it. I get all goofy and smiley, damn Im a dork...
I got a random call but it was restricted, nuttin more annoying than a restricted number, well actually when the person who called you from the restricted number doesnt leave a message so your left wondering who called... little side note Yes I know the Lakers lost and to my surprise I was a little (only a little) sad because my parents and Laker fan friends looked so dissappointed..... GO SIXERS!!!!!!
posted by Shaistie at 10:08 PM

 
So this is what make life divine...
Wow, I haven't been like this for a while. By this I mean I saw him randomly after my class. I was thinking , "what's gonna happen now?". jeez that can be misinterpreted. I'll explain, last time anything happened between us was right before a break. We got back to school and kinda didnt talk for gosh knows what reasons. After Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning? lol sorry 'lys and brissa for keepin ya up) I was afraid that that would happen again. Sounds childish I know. It's been like that for almost five years. At the beginning I was convinced that it wouldnt be right for him to be seen with me (talk about low self esteem). Everytime I heard his friends talk they sounded to me that I wouldnt meet their expectations. I think about it now and I regret it. I thought I was doing what was best for him,but maybe I should of let him be the one to decide. It wasnt a choice for me to make on my own. We we're both really dumb about a lot of things. Especially when it came to admitting how we feel. For the past five years he's been in and out of my life, and now that we're here again it feels, and I hope that it'll be different. It just feels good to be in his arms again. Today was a better day. *sigh*
Dammit now I gottta get back to my astronomy lab , yuck... But Im sticking to it, it's the last one..... *sigh*
posted by Shaistie at 12:15 AM

 
Suck it up!
I've been acting like Marc would put it," a pansie"... I've never complained about pain and today I got hit on my wrist pretty good ( the gimp one that was healing)...yeah ouch... I normally would of worried about it until I got home but my immediate reaction was to hold it. No more playing for the rest of the night... What a pansie...I know I shouldnt be upset but c'mon if Phil Jackson can come back from a heart procedure I can play left handed....Dammit... Just suck it up that's life.So after giving it a good icing it'll be ok. I wish problems of the heart were as easily fixed. once again insecurities play a part. He's just as busy as I am and not to mention that we can never really talk til the weekend so why am I still wondering why he hasnt called.... I like to torture myself.So basically the message for tonight is to suck it up cause there's always tomarrow. Tomarrow will be a better day....
posted by Shaistie at 9:33 PM

 
You wish it'd last forever...
So after smiling and being totally happy reliving the moment Im having the "why hasnt he called attack"... Not pyscho style but little nudge in the back of my head. Im hating the waiting game but what can I do, right? So maybe I should take the advice given and if he calls it's a great surprise, and if he doesnt oh well. Too bad I cant completely be "oh well" though....Now that it's sunk in I know I gotta be careful, don't get me wrong, although thinking about it spreads this crazy smile face across my face I dont want to get my hopes up. Geez what the hell is wrong with me? All these damn insecurities. I know what is is, Im afraid of losing him again...
posted by Shaistie at 10:26 PM

 
It all started when I found a dollar...
Well this will be the umpteenth time I try to post this because for some reason or another my whole thing got erased grr..... So I left work early Saturday to take my mom out to eat for Mother's day (No not to avoid line but actually because in Mexico its on Saturday, my mom being the comical person that she is says we gotta celebrate mother's day on Sunday too... bum) Nah but the important thing was that she had a good time, and she was happy. I think sometimes being a mother is a thankless job, and we as sons and daughters dont really appeciate our parents as much as we should. Mother's day is kind of sad though, I think of how my grandma Julia probably wont fet a visit from anyone( being that she has 9 kids and countless grandchildren) and it really hurrts that I cannot be there to buy her her roses and make her beautiful... Roses are best... Im thankful that at least I know that my uncle will vist my grandma Brigida. Happy Mother's day to all my mothers. Well afterwards we came back home and then my family left for a baby shower or something that they got invited to. I was alone at home.
Usually I dont mind being alone, but with my down mood it wasnt the best to be left to my thoughts. So I decided to take a little walk. As I was walking I saw this really crumpled up dollar. Wow, I found a dollar. I know that it's not some huge event but it sort of made me feel like "hey things cant be all bad" (or I can make a 20 minute phone call , a little humor). Then I went into analyzing the whole thing. Had I been in a hurry as usual I would ot of found that dollar. Sometimes we just rush through life and fail to see the little things in front of us and thats kinda of sad...Well after I got back into the house I proceeded to bug roxanne (I dunno how she puts up with me, it's not like I dont see each other at skool everyday). So via text mesage(because the calling would be too easy and we perfer a challenge) we were trying to plan something to do that night. In the middle of all this planning he calls....
As I look at the caller I.D I see it's him and in my usual panic I look in the mirror and try to smooth out my hair (like he's gonna see it through a phone) and then I answer it. He was having this party and asked me to come and told me to invite a couple of friends. I told him I'd cal him back ... I totally felt bad because I had already started makin plans with roxanne and I felt that I was violating the whole" bros before Ho's"(female version of course). I called her and she told me what she had been telling me all along, that if I didnt go there might not be a next time... So after some coaxing I decide I cant go unless someone comes with me and I called Alyssa who called Brissa, no turning back now I call him and tell him that we were coming.
After debating on what to wear and endlessly fussing with my hair and make up I decided that I would not be completely satisfied. Alyssa gets to my house and has like three other outfits with her. I had on this jean skirt a nice top and my tan boots( still felt underdressed). Alyssa decides that the jeans she was wearing were not dressy enuff and changes pants. After fussing a little more we leave her dad's car in my garage (which my mom thought I stole, cause Im a criminal right? j/k joke haha funny) we leave for Brissa's house. ALyssa feeling that her pants weren't "fitted" enuff (that heffa LOL) changes pants once again.... Gettting off the freeway I turn the wrong way maybe it was the nerves but I'll blame this one on alyssa and brissa, "Left no right no left, right". Well 2 u-turns and 10 minutes later we finally get to the place at 11:15pm (we were suppose to be ther at 10:30 but Im never on time). So we walk into the lobby and see a girl that has a nice dress on and we feel totally underdressed (to find out later that we werent) and go back to the car and change. I change into my black pants and alyssa does too and then finally we were on our way.... There he was waiting at the elevator. We said our hello's and go sit down. So pretty much Alyssa, Brissa and me were just catching up on life ( I was a little sad that he wasnt payingtoo much attention to me but as a friend told me dont let that ruin your night). Kinda funny though cuz the bartender was hiting on Alyssa ( which she wasnt too crazy about it). So just when I think he's gonna ignore me the whole night he comes over and asks me to dance. I felt a little on the spot though but I forgot about it once I was with him. I felt a little guilty though because I was here having a good time and I left Brissa and Alyssa to talk. Around 1:30ish ppl started leaving. Me and him were talking for awhile then my working ass had to start to leave. So the other two girls that were there and us three and him leave. He had parked in the beginning but he walked with us. The other two females got to their car and said their goodbyes and then we continue on to my car. We get there had a little coversation, invited him to alyssa's party.Then I let them into the car leaving him and me there. We talked about going out clubbing. Then he brought up old time, I cant believe he still remembers.Sigh. Once again we were beating around the bush. I cant express how good to be in his arms again. One of those I dont want this to end moments. Then finally he kisses me. sigh... His lips were so soft. It was sweet. After a little while of him just holding me I had to go (considering that I had Alyssa and Brissa in the car waiting for me). He opens the door for me and kisses me on the cheek, the kind of thing that makes me melt, theres always something so innocent about that, and we say goodbye. As we leave I turn and out of all the crazyness in the car I run a red light but being that it was 2 something in the morning no harm done. Sigh now Im just waiting for him to call, sigh but it's been great smiling and being so happy...This is is the kind of thing that makes everything worth it ......
posted by Shaistie at 8:47 PM

 
Whenever in doubt pinky up...

I pick up my brother from school and he says" Whenever in doubt pinky up it makes you look fancy".... Random I know but it got me to crack a smile.... Spongebob is the greatest....
So he called..... what did I do? Not a damn thing, you see sometimes I amaze myself, I left my damn phone on silent so on my happy ass way home I didn't hear it. Im such a dork, he actually calls, I've been so sad that he hadnt and then he does and I dont even get it. I worry that he'll think that I dont want anything to do with him which couldnt be further from the truth. so then what do I do?.... I go back to being the text msg queen and I text him... No reply.... Maybe I should go bake another damn cake.....I dont know whats wrong with us, dunno why we cant just be together like normal people... I dunno why we beat around the bush so much....Why cant we just admit how we feel? I know that my people have told me to forget you, but my heart doesnt listen. I cant be wrong about this... I think about it and at times I think it'd be easier to hate you, so my heart doesnt ache so bad from missing you. So that everything wont remind me of you.So the should of's the could of's wouldnt keep me awake at night. But my heart cant be wrong.... You make me so incredibly happy but then you make me so sad. Why cant I just call and tell you? Tell you everything.... I miss you. I miss you so much, everyday , everything reminds me of you. Looks like tonight will be another one of those nights.... so maybe to ease this, I'll think maybe tomarrow, tomorrow will be a better day....

Man finals are coming up... as if life wasnt hard enuff. Im worried cuz honestly this semester has been nothing like the previous ones. I gotta decide a major, I gotta work, stress and drama, and basketball. I hate to think that I'll have to give it up if life gets too crazy, I think its the only thing that keeps me sane. Its like the world stops everything thats going wrong all the stress is gone. I can just breathe. I think that's whats been adding to my sadness you see I messed up my wrist pretty bad, I havent admitted to my coach how badly it really does hurt, I've been icing it and pretty much typical me just sucked it up and went on with life. I didnt play in last weeks game and missed about three practices. I actually got pretty good at using my left hand, Im such a damn gimp... It's at tolerable pain now so what am I gonna do? Im gonna play :) I need to breathe again...

posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
So I'll bake a cake...


posted by Shaistie at 11:01 AM

 
Well after awhile of thinking it over I realized you know what roxanne is right, I need to vent... Honetly I think I've been overusing the priviledge of talking to friends. Today my lab got out early and I hung out with roxanne( as if we dont see each other enuff lol). I had a good laugh at her expense but really she swears on her life that she doesnt flirt but if I would of had that hubble space cam with the 16 mega pixels it would be evidence enuff... twirl the hair shimmy shimmy giggle... Damn we do hang out too much...

It was a nice change though i got to forget a little of the stresses of life. I've been feeling sort of down again. Yeah he hasnt called. I hate talking about that though its like admitting defeat.Seems like everytime I get close to what I've been waiting for so long something always happens. Im kicking myself for being so damn hesitant. I could call but not sure what to say. I guess I can always go to my "queen of the text message" tactic but I still need an excuse... He makes me mush.... So yeah Im a little depressed so I baked a cake :)

I did my presentation in class today. The wait was killing me, I hate oral presentations but I loosened up when I saw Hiromi and Roxanne peering through the window... No pressure right? ....

Not bad for my first blog.... But I F'd up the whole Into oops, I'll get it next time ...

posted by Shaistie at 11:24 PM