Taking a look within First a big happy B-day to BIG!! Well another day gone and Wednesday approaches. I've been trying to avoid thinking. Unfourtunately for me it aint working too well. My head is completely overwhelmed. I have yet to act on anything and Im fully aware if I were to do so the risk I'd be taking. I wonder if what people tell me is true. I dunno who to listen to. On one hand friends have told me that I'd be sounding desperate (not cool) but on the other other friends tell me that I should, that I owe it to myself, us. But what it boils down to is that I have decided to listen to my heart. I cant let him slip away. I just have to take a deep breath and do it. I just got look inside myself to find the courage. I have to do something about it. And Meanwhile Wednesday is almost here... I wish for clarity to know what to do and if what I will do is the best thing.
Dis ain't working... A'ight I am highly upset that blog has lied to me.... "publish successful" these nutz it ate my post yesterday... Okay now that that's outta my system, I'll do a recap of yesterdays blog and then a little of today. Well on Firday it went pretty well I liked Avanti the pizza was good and it was a nice littlel nook, comfortable you know and not bad price-wise. I hope everyone enjoyed it, or at leaast they humored me and didnt say anything negative. Ice House was fun. Overall it was nice seeing everyone again. The night ended with a pee line outside my bathroom taht my mother found funny for some reason, I think it has something to do with the fact that everytime Igo anywhere with her or anyone for that matter they always need to pee, go figure. With that everyone left to finish the night at Big's house, I stayed back I had work in the morning although I kinda wanted to go because I dont see all of them as much anymore and Im not left to my sad thoughts. I went to bed but no luck at falling asleep, I was thinking about my upcoming court date on Wednesday, about life, what Im gonna do, about him. Onthe way home I had a small talk with roxanne about him. I know what I should do and yet I havent been able to do it. I know I should suck up my pride and do something about it. Life has handed me opportunities time andd time again and if I dont do anything I'll have only myself to blame. I have played the scenerio in my head of all the possible outcomes and the bad outcomes are the ones that hold me back. They diminish my courage, they make me put down the phone. I am over powered by fear and that has never been easy for me to admit. I hate admitting vulnerablility. He better than anyone knows how it feels to want to say something so bad but not doing it because of fear that it wont come out right. I havent a clue of where to start.
Well today hmm... pretty bummy day I wasnt scheduled to work so I had an entire day and it was mostly spent trying to help my mom get all the stuff ready for her month long vacation in mexico with my brother. I got some pictured developed and there he was, everyday something reminds me of him. You know the sun aint shining as brightly nowadays. Im stumped. I gotta let him know even if my head tells me that I shouldnt, my heart wants to do the talking. I think that it's past due. I dont wanna torment myself with regrets, I've done that everytime he left. I want the sun to shine again for me.
Now with all that I gotta go to court. Im scared shitless. I have no clue. Dont know what to do. The anxiety is killling me. the stress, the unknown, and being there alone. Emotionally Im a wreck, Im drained, and keeping this "everything is peachy" facade on is taking its toll. I need someone to make sense of all the crap that is in my head but first WEDNESDAY...
This post was not published so I just stuck this here so not to leave it blank, I've been playing this for awhile
Standing here looking out my window
My nights are long and my days are cold cuz I
don't have you
How can I be so damn demanding?
I know you said that it's over now but
I cant let go
Everyday I wanna pick up the phone
And tell you that you're everything I need
and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
You're the woman without a man
I'm the ring without a hand
I'm missing you
Drivin 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rear view mirror's playin tricks on me
cuz you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cuz my lonelyness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak
Everyday I wanna pick up the phone
And tell you that you're everything I need
and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
You're the woman without a man
I'm the ring without a hand
I'm missing you posted by Shaistie at 11:51 PM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
I wanna take the Marc approach... Well after Basketball practice today, getting ready for the big game I proceeded to finish with the planning of Big's bday thing. So I call Marc and we get to crackin' on the last little details. Unfourtunately no Brazilian, we're off on a lil' adventure to explore a place called the Avanti Cafe and I hope that it is good and everyone,especially BIG (considering it is his bday) enjoys it and then off to the Pasadena Ice House, a comedy club is always a good laugh/time. I've been thinking of at least inviting "him" to the Ice house upon suggestion of Cheli yesterday but Im not sure. Okay okay fine Im just a wuss. Nah time is running short on my court appearance and Im so stressed about it. I want to take the Marc approach I talked to Marc like forever on the phone and he sounds so relaxed about everything . it's great to get to know him better and maybe taking the more relaxed route will ease my stress.... Okay I'll start after my whole court thing is over wtih.... Im so scarred. I probably wont be able to post anything tomarrow. After callin everyone (not getting answers from all damn you ppl making this more difficult...j/k) Hopefully I can keep up a happy face on and hide my sadness til the end of then night when I get into bed. Hopefully this will do something to lift my spirits.I need to hide posted by Shaistie at 11:40 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
This very moment... You know what I want way more than this ice cream that Im eating? I want to be happy. i want this court thing to be over (and well) I want peace, I dont want all this stress, I dont wanna keep worrying, and I want to be with him. And even though i got this court thing pending and the stress killing me I wanna be in his arms. Wow if that sounded so totally cheese ball Im sorry but Im sure all of us have felt like that. I talked to Cheli which I havent to talked to since like forever almost a month I think. I went into the whole thing about him with her. I feel like I sound stupid but she bears with me, now Im abusing er ears and giving Roxy's a rest. Like Guillermo she's also giving me the litle push that may be necessary to help me get brave and tell him. Not tell him straight out but have the talk. Dammit I haev to talk all late to roxy right? well I havent seen her in awhile and it great to talk to her (less screening cause we're both thinking the same thing and we're tired- the excuse)... I hope that I can write with better news especially about the court thing. I need some of this burden stress guilt sadness to be lifted. posted by Shaistie at 11:34 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME Hopefully Blog wont eat this one and lucky for you(like anyone reads this) you'll get to see it. Well I had two games today. It went well and I think all my frustration/anxiety/sadness helped me push a little more. All I thought about was the game and it felt like a breath of fresh air. And even though my ankle is sitting in ice and Im a little banged up it's all worth the minute of relief. Words can never say what the game has done for me, or how many times it's saved me.
Well I called people back and its lookin like the litttle get together for BIG's bday is a go. Just a few kinks to work out but it'll be done by Friday.
Well I failed to mention that I thought I saw him during my first game, but it was only my mind playing tricks on me. It's such a tremendous let down. I hate being afraid. Im jealous as well that it seems to work out so easily for everyone. Some coworkers and friends talk about how being single is great but even though I dont admit it often I want a relationship. I dont admit it because Im afraid of being judged, of not being understood, pushing something on him. And although I take the nonchalant approach I do care. I get so sad thinking that love wasnt meant for me. That life has just been teasing me by bringing himinto my life and then taking him away again. It's a cruel and twisted game that I dont want to be a part of. "So I just called to say I miss you"... I cant do that. I have thought about it and then I think about it too much and I never do it. I never get the guts just to even call (text message queen) and I dont know if I do it'll be wrong or right or if what I say is too much or not enough and I end up where I began saying nothing and doing nothing. I cant be afraid. I dont wanna be like this. And in all this I got the constant court thing running through my head that I cant find a solution for what to do. posted by Shaistie at 11:36 PM
Monday, June 23, 2003
Sometimes I begin to question... Well for starters I was right this blogger "ate" up like three or so of my post, dammit ... but then again it's not like anybody reads them so what the hell I see them whenever Im gonna post so I guess they're not completely erased, dunno how to fix it. Well nuttin new I text everyone exept BIG trying to get a little get together for his b-day but it looks like Im failing only Hiromi and Roxanne have text me back... Yup that and work. Im kinda upset and hurt but thats another story.I dont wanna be angry I really dont but I ve just been given reasons to feel this way. It just keeps getting worse. I've been getting migraines like you dont understand. I usually get them every once and awhile but I've gone through 3 in 4 days. Im not feeling to swell emotionally and it's taking a toll physically. What can I say that I havent said before, Im worried sick over my pending court situation, I dont know the first thing about what Im gonna do. I tryed asking those free advice online sites and I've gotten no response and gotten nothing nowhere. The more I try to get information the more confused, lost I get and I find out how bad it truly is. Maybe when this is all over I'll leave. I should take a semester or two in North Carolina. I've got more reasons to go than to stay. I wish I could just disappear.
Beside my court thing I know that I really shouldnt be thinking of him but I cant help it. It shouldnt even cross my mind knowing how screwed I am. I hate sounding so "desperate" for lack of a better word. Maybe its the perfect word . I dunno anymore. I miss him. Why cant I just tear this feeling away. I wake up and he's the first thing in my head the last hing I think of before I go to sleep. Im tired of beating around the bush Im tired of being afraid of saying how I feel Im tired of worrying what anyone will think Im tired of being so damn stupid.
Guillermo: Grow some balls shorty, take a damn leap of faith nothing can be worse than you hurting like this
Me : I know but Im afraid.
Guillermo: Of what? You 've been going through this shit for like what 4, 5 years?
Me : Of not being enough for him, of being rejected, but mostly of losing him. 5years.
Guillermo: See that's your problem and you know that I cant stand to hear you cry. Enough? Your not enough? Dammit shai...
Me : I dunno what to do, kid...
Guillermo: Just call... baby gurl just.....
Me : Thank you
Guillermo: Huh? this your way of changin the subject?
Me : Nah, in case I dont tell you enough thank you for never leaving me alone
Guillermo: Hey ma, Im never gonna leave you alone. I hate hearing you like this. You need me to come out there for you?
Me : What? To Cali? See what I mean you never leave me alone. Hopefully I can come visit you I need to get away.
Guillermo: No doubt I miss you ma.
Me : I miss you too
Guillermo: hey one more thing... stop that shit, your more than enough and call. It's your happiness, find out so you'll know either way.
Me : Im afraid
................that was only part of the conversation with Guillermo. It's good to hear from him.
Days go by... I dunno what the hell is up withthe blog thing its a lil' messed up and some of my blogs arent posted, but hey like us they have off days, hopefully unlike me it'll only be an off day. Today, what can I say I got by nuttin new except cramps. I had three games today. The first one wasnt pretty one of my teammates Angie got hit on the nose hard blood everywhere, luckliy it wasnt broke. It went into overtime and we barely nudge a win by one point. We won the other two.
I havent shaken the feeling of uselessness or helplessness. Nothing ever works out for me. Self esteem is totally draggin lower than usual to the point that its gettin harder to fake being happy anymore. Im so completely fucked with my court thing. Im scared shitless Im getting no answers. The uncertainty is killing me but I know my upcoming fate.I hate myself so much for letting me be so stupid. I can continue writing but I dont feel like it, whats the point... posted by Shaistie at 11:51 PM
Saturday, June 21, 2003
A feeling all too familiar... Went to work same ol' same ol', parents went to T.J to our dentist root canal or something fo rmy dad, got home only my brother was there. Poor kid was hungry. I was thinking about going to the store and getting stuff to make something but Im really sore, restocking shelves and such. He was inthe mood for IN and OUT and I was in no particular mood to argue for or against it. I gotta something as well, not because I was really hungry or anything but I hadnt eaten anything the whole day and I had to give my body something. I called BIG I hadnt called him and to be honest i didnt feel like talking to anybody. He asked about the whole court thing and I gave the brief run through trying not to cry and i hope he didnt notice. We only talked for like 10 minutes then I told him that I didnt feel like talking ( I feel bad because we dont talk as much anymore) that I would talk to him later if I felt better.I also feel bad cause his birthday is coming up and we havent planned anything that I know of. I hope the circumstances dont spoil it. I tryed calling marc to see what he wanted on Friday but I got his voicemail again. Didnt leave a message. Tryed texting Roxy but she was out, hope she had fun. I tryed calling Guillermo got his voicemail. Didnt leave a message. Waited to see if "he" would call , he didnt.
I feel so alone that the thoughts that run through my head scare me. I have no idea what Im gonna do. Im scarred of myself right now...
Friday, June 20, 2003
S.O.S. Things havent turned ou to planned unfourtunately. Let's see it's Friday and I have no desire to go anywhere, all I have is but to stay in my hole that sadly I have dug myself with my lack of judgement. Maybe Im not the person I thought I was. Im disgusted with myself and feel tremendously guilty in front of my parents because I really messed up this time. I havent lived up to what I should be. I feel like I have taken something away from them and my family without them knowing and I if they ever found out I know that it'd be a tremendous let down for everyone. Whenever I see any of my aunts or uncles they have the "this is the one that isnt gonna let us down" and its an amazing burden to carry. Whenever any of my cousins or other family members mess up Im given the "I know you'll never do that". I know my brother feels it too. I've made liars out of my family. They dont know it but whenever they say "she's never done anything like, she's not like her cousins" they will be lying. I've let many people down. I am responsible.
Okay just to give a lil' run through of thursday I had a 2800 people party to cater I ended up beyond exhausted afterwards. I apologize to those who called and I havent been able to call back. I know BIG's bday is coming up and he's such a good friend that we have to plan somethign and usually I'd take on the responsibilty but right now I feel like acompletely lousy human being and friend. But I'll do if need be I cant let anyone else down.
I feel like dissappearing. I know that for the past month or so I have been an emotional wreck and I have more crap to add to the pot. I really try to hide it all but I feel broken. Little by little life has been taking its swipes at me all at once. I havent slept well for just as long. I havent even taken the time to ask if everyone around me is ok. Selfishly I have been the one that hasnt been OK. I have lost all control and Im not okay with this. I am not okay. I've let down family, I have not been a good friend, I have been selfishly involved with myself. I havent been able to be upfront with him. Im really tired, tired of everything, tired of life...
Life doesnt seem to be getting any better. Today I showed up to court for my MIP and unfortunately things didnt go so well. I spent the night at alys' so I could go to court wtihout giving explanation to my mother, Man if she found out....Well Alys' , Roxy and me didnt sleep at all to tell the truth I was really tired but I was too apprehensive about going to court to sleep. I hid all that with a hyper mood. Well all of us exhausted left the house at 6:45 a.m. to make my 8:00am court appearance. I had to go get my career counseling at 10:00 am and I thought it wouldnt take long. Well it turned out that the place only opens at 8:00 and court doesnt start until 8:30 am. so as we waited we cracked a few jokes and I hid my nervousness behind laughter. Ok now it starts going downhill. The judge called in sick last minute and the judge from the other division had to fill or something so yeah it didnt satr till like 9:50am if that early. Then all cases with attorneys went first. I was pissed cuz I knew I was gonna miss my couseling thing but it sucked to show up early and be last when these people with attorneys showed up late and got to go first because they had attorneys. To add to the jumble pot of emotions I was having I felt terrible that I dragged roxy to this (it could not be at all to pleasant not only did she not sleep she sat there patiently for hours with me she honestly did not have to but did and for that Im really grateful which I'll explain in a bit). Then I was also feeling bad and worried for alyssa. She had to call work twice to say that she was gonna be late (it turns out she was like 2 hours late when they had given her 25 min). I new she didnt say it but she was growing impatient and who can blame her. I kept hearing everyones "crimes" and they sounded worse than mine so it was kinda easing my anxiety (I was very very wrong) Well finally after waiting forever I finally got called up. Long story short I gotta come back in two weeks after talking to an attorney (which I cannot afford). If I plead guilty then I could lose my liscence for a year and I wasnt driving!!! I dont know what to do. Im completely scared this my first ticket for anything and I cannot afford to lose my liscence. Thank goodness I wasnt there alone because I know I would of broken down and cryed....Having Roxy and Alys there helped me hold it in. Everyone at court seemed so nonchalant about their offenses and if I cryed I would of felt really stupid. Dammit now Im crying'. I hate the way they treated me like I was the worst criminal in the world. Im so ashamed How did I let it get so far? I know that I only do these thing once in awhile and its against my better judgement. I completely been scared out of drinking anymore. There is no appeal to it I feel comletely disgusted by it. Im scared. I dont know what to do. Im completely screwed over. Man only a couple of hours before I had been debating whether to call or text him for is B-day (I did) and I cant even truly enjoy the fluter of him calling. He called and it sucks that Im in such a crap position. Right now the only thing I can think of and am completely consumed in is this MIP. Im so lost. I need help. I feel terrible and worse that I gotta pretend to be fine because I cannot let my family know. I already let my mom down. To let her down twice and then have my dad know would be horrible. Now I gotta come uop with a new way of getting out for my next court date. I'll be going alone this time most likely. and that doesnt give me much too stand on. I dont know how well Im gonna fare out. I should just die. If anyone reads this and can offer an opinion on my MIP please do so.
36 Cupcakes and I feel like crap. I talked to my dear friend Guillermo and he is not at all pleased with me. I know that he tryed hard not to give me too much crap about it but he did. He tryed really hard to get my spirits up but I know that he'd say anything to make me feel better. I feel like such a hypocrite. You know when you watch those talk sows and people keep taking back people because they love them, the type of people we mock and completely frustrates us because they just dont stop taking them back, yup I have been one of those people that said i would just forget and leave but Im not doing that.I dont know if that makes any sense at all, once I get my comment thingy up maybe the random people that stumble across this site might bestow a few wise words. Im just getting by, dont wanna get up in the mornings and cant sleep in the nights just thinking. Guillermo is one of the best for putting up with me I know I cannot be too pleasant though I am trying my best to keep my happy facade up for the world. But he knows me too well and I cant fool him. Life aint going to well for him either and Im completely distraught over him and me. I wish I could be a better friend and offer the best, I usually put my crap off for everyone but this time Im hurting too much. I wish I could just quit life and stay in bed forever.
Its his birthday on the 18th. Ive been debating on whether to call him or not , or at least leave a text message. I wish things were better. I need this weight to be lifted the tightness to ease, Im tired really tired. Most of it:
You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me
But that you're just not in love
Immediately, I pretended
To be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was OK
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
So, what do you do
When somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection
Is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
Do you lash out and say
"How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain
As they just slip away
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
Yeah it's me again. Well first of all I gotta say happy father's day to my old man and to everybody's. And by the way I forgive you for forgetting to look for me when we were playing hide-and-seek when I was five, it's cool I totally understand that after that phone call you got distracted and figured that om had already got me. Hey at least you remebered, three hours later, but yiou remebered, I was such a good hider....Yup it's okay..... Well before I get into my Saturday I'll talk about today. I took the day off and I mustered up my best smile (woulda sucked not to even though I dont feel much like smiling) and took my dad to breakfast with the rest of the family. He had his favorite at COCO's and had a spifee ol' time. We got him that whole running thing he had been eyeing but never mentioned cuz that's the type of person he is (gets stuff for us before he gets anything for himself ). Either he had been practicing his suprised look or he was genuinely surprise. He was quite pleased with his running:shoes, shorts, shirt, socks, sports bottle belt thingy.... Later that afternoon we went over to my parents' friends' house ( I dont like going and I usually find a way out of it because I got no one to talk to and nothin to do, no one my age way too young or way older than me) I went because my dad wanted to go and I didnt want to mess up his whole father's day groove. I sat there patiently for what seemed like an eternity and watched him have a good time. I even missed the Spurs-Nets game and it was the final I came home to find out that the Spurs won the championship, so now I gottan wait til october for the season to start. Well I can watch team USA til then.
Well on saturday I catered a party for 670 people. That's 670 Salads, deserts, entrees and countless hors d'oevre. Not to mention clean up. I was busy as hell. Sorry Rox for not texting you back.... Got home around 1:45 ish exhausted. Actually on the way to work I passed the place where he had that party. I thought that going to work I wouldnt think but I was wrong, after passing that place I couldnt think of anything else. I havent been able to think of anything else. Im so torn up inside, he doesnt care and so as far as anyone sees especially if I see him it's like I dont care. Its killing me to keep pretending this way, everyday. I feel like such a fool and I hate myself for not being able to hate him. Why cant I hate him? Why do I still love him .... posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM
Friday, June 13, 2003
Friday the 13th
Well today lets see today.... Just another day, I got through it. My back is aching from work and then tomarrow I got a hefty party to cater so in most likelihood I wont be able to post anything tomarrow, trust me not missing much. It'll be good for me though work in the morning, go home and change and go to my other job.The busier I am maybe I wont be able to think. I wish I could just numb my heart, quit all feeling. Well today Roxy called asking me to go out with her and Eugene. I didnt go. I feel really bad though cuz she always comes whether or not she feels like it and does it with a smile. I feel like a bad friend for not being able to do the same for her. She insisted on getting me out of the house but I got no joy to offer, Im not myself and even I dont wanna be around me. Just awhile ago I found great joy in reliving the moments of happiness, now they only make my ache so much. I got this lump in my throat right now. I feel like crap. Maybe there is more wrong with me than I realize. In the end I just wasnt enough.
There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Oh, seems so long ago you walked away
and left me alone
and I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
and maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change
Was it something I said
To make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
Right now..
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains..
Now I don't wanna make excuses, baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone, no, no
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know?
The time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
and maybe I could change my every day
But baby I don't want to
So I'll just hang around
and find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
and I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains
What will I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby who will I be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see?
That I need you here with me
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains
Your Gone
To add to my misery Im having a fat day. You now the kind of day when no matter what you put on you feel disgustingly uncomfortable. The day has been dragging. I went to basketball and that was ok. It took a bit to get any kind of rythmn going. I halfheartedly hung out with the team for about 30 minutes afterwards. Im icing my ankle as we speak. It's been cloudy, hardly any sun. Im really cold, I feel like just curling up in a ball. Wow the quality of these blogs is diminishing. Nuttin much more to write than what I have already written in these blogs. So til' tomarrow I leave with this.....
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you
Oh can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby see it stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially missing you
All I do is lay around
5 years full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby
That I'm officially missing you
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you....
Re cap of the day:
-Career counseling
-work
-picked up camping pictures
-came home
-stared blankly at a wall
-writiing blog
-with sad certainty sleepless and/or uneasy night.....
I havent talked to anybody for awhile I think roxy is the last person and I honestly cant remember when or what date I just know that it was at night time. I havent made much of an effort I feel like Im bad company. Even holding a phone conversation cannot be at all too pleasant for anyone at the other end. My minds playing tricks on me, I dont feel well. Im exhausted. I feel alone.Really alone. With this little bit I say goodnight...........
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight posted by Shaistie at 11:06 PM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
"insert title here" Funny how slowly time passes, to tell the truth I really wish it were funny I could use a good laugh. My summer "vacation" has not exactly gone as planned unfortunately. So lets see, hmm my day was pretty empty. Nuttin new. Highlight of it, I would say was basketball. It helped me forget a lil', Funny how complete concentration can let you ease off elsewhere, but not completely though. It's hard to completely forget when everything reminds you. This cant be in the least bit pleasant to read if anyone reads it. I dont feel like me. Im just missing him more and more. Everything has been a blur recently, not much to tell. I stopped reading my book that I had started, why put myself through the torture, fairytales and stories are only that. To be honest today writing this blog isnt helping I cant concentrate on it , I keep spacing out. I got so many things running through my head. Im not up to much, today after basketball, team was going out to dinner I just came home and stood in the shower. Got out made sure I had my happy face, why explain something that nobody seems to understand. Im not up to writing much more to this blog... posted by Shaistie at 11:50 PM
Monday, June 09, 2003
And so the rain comes...
With the greatest pain in my heart I've decided that I need to suck it up. I've build on my kick in the ass I got yesterday and I've been thinking a lot. I was awake past 3:00 a.m. Just thinking.... I couldnt sleep ... this knot in my throat wont leave me alone and the tightness in my chest is killing me. As much as I didnt want to lose hope that maybe just maybe things would work out for me, that maybe if I was patient, understanding that things would work out ok. I remembered something I once heard: Love isnt like some enchanted evening, It isnt a fairy tale, or even love at first sight, that isnt real life. I didnt want to believe that but maybe it is true. Talk to me before and I would of argued profusely against that, I too could close my eyes and picture the whole scenerio of the fairytale. But maybe its time to put my feet on the ground and realize that they're just that, fairytales. I've been waiting for five years. Everytime I get my hopes up, "this time for sure" I end up more brokenhearted than before and promising that never again, he'll never do it to me again. Im foolish I know, my head tells me so but my heart thats what keeps me there. How can someone bring me so mcuh happiness and then take it away. It's almost like a cruel joke. I've blamed myself especially for not doing enough. Each time I ask myself why I couldnt be more upfront, tell him how I feel and then when the opportunity arises I dont. Putting up this huge wall afraid that if he knows then it would give him cause to believe that "I got her I can play her cause she loves me". I get to thinking that maybe I just wasnt enough. Why does it gotta be so complicated? Do I make it overly complicated? Maybe I do and have yet to realize it.
It rained today... in more ways than one. Just adding more to my sadness. I should be a little grateful to it though, because it hides tears and keeps up my happy mask. I jsut feel really tired, really alone. I've been blanking out but to tell the truth this has become a good outlet. It's funny though maybe about a month or so I couldnt contain my happiness and look at me now. maybe I wasnt enough. Maybe staying here was a mistake. Maybe I should have gone ahead and gone to North Carolina.But that would be too much like running away. It's hard to keep being optimistic when so many things have gone wrong. I'd never finish in a blog. *sigh.
I got basketball tomarrow, and although it brings me the biggest joy it still reminds me of him, everything reminds me of him. So yeah who cares if he doesnt call... deep inside I do and its hard to admit that Im this messed up. Its so frustrating. I hate crying but I need to I have been and I dont know how to stop. How do I make it hurt less? Do I even have the balls to hope for a better day tomarrow? posted by Shaistie at 10:56 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Joke'em if they cant take a fuck...
Life is making me feel really old. You know that kind of tired that you dont feel like getting out of bed to deal with (yup that's the one).I start to think to myself it'd be easier to go back to my old ways. Thsi growing up ish aint working. I know Im not making any sense but believe me, it makes perfect sense to me (wow that could be taken really wrongly, almost pyscho-ish).So after puttin' in a half day of work I came home and then outta of the blue decided that I hadnt been to the mall in awhile and maybe buying something for myself would cheer me up. My mom came and it was good quality time, the kind that seems to be less and less nowadays, damn life, work, school, no time for nuttin. Well luckily the buyig something for myself turned out pretty good(although I really should be watching my $$ right now). I got two really cute outfits for $80 @ MACY's --->Dont you love sales? LOL ...Damn dont I sound superficial, the only thing I need now is to flip my hair back and giggle like an airhead. I bought some really cute outfits for my nieces( another sale 50% at the disney store) and called it a wrap. Came home and watched the fourth quarter of the Spurs-Nets game (completely missed the first three thanks to my lil shopping trip). Got home to find my dad completely sore, I failed to mention that yesterday my mom and dad ran a 13 mile marathon and then today my dad and his running group were gonna "just watch" another but ended running it for a grand total of 26 miles in two days, crazyness I say. Nah me run marathons not my thang but give me a basketball any day (and yes practices do include running but it leads to basketball so it's ok right?). Any who my mom was happy that she had decided to stay home that morning had she gone she would have been just as sore as my dad right now.
So I spent forever on the phone getting a necessary kick in the ass (thanks much).I need it. I was thinking that I havent talked to Gizmo in awhile I feel realy bad especcially cuz we havent gone this long without talking and I hope that there aint nuttin wrong.(Gizmo is my guy Best friend that Ive known since like I was 3 or something, moved to Atlanta and phone bills have been obscene considering I live here in Cali). Ive been dragging this crazy saddness with me. No sleep little brings joy. Close to depression but not quite there yet, I guess pretending everything is peachy is what is keeping me there. Its better that way though, no one really needs to know how low you feel. I ve gotten really good at pretending so no worries. Sometimes I feel really lonely in my thoughts and this emptiness inside wont go away. All I can do is look towards better days. posted by Shaistie at 11:56 PM
Saturday, June 07, 2003
I thought it was the meat sneezing...
Well I skipped out on Fridays blog but Im back. Well I went out with Roxy and Alys' on Friday to the usual starbucks and a lil' BJ's. For some reason Im not too keen on going to starbucks anymore. I know I should be more understanding but maybe it's cuz Im so down about my whole situation that it's one of those selfish days.Well Roxy had to pee (dammit just kidding) and the bathroom at the starbucks wasnt particularily inviting considering it reeked of urine and there was what I hope was water all over the floor surrounding the toilet ( I had to share couldnt keep this pleasantry to myself). Well Poor gurl didnt dare pee ion there (Thanks for the laugh) and we had to moezee on over to find a new bathroom. Well our first stop on our lil' expedition was Rite Aid. After some strategical walkiing around the starbucks sitting area to help avoid an encounter with 'lys' boy that may of or may not have been there. Well we make our way to the bathroom only to find that posted on the door area on a sheet of notebook paper "ask for the key at the front " with a lil' happy face. Roxy makes her way to the front as we wait at the near the bathroom and then Alys' believes she saw the gurl she went on a double date with with that starbucks boy. She feels likes he and all his friends are avoiding her. Man that sucks. Well Roxy comes back empty handed and tells us that they're out of order or something like that. So we move on to Ralph's. Yeah Success!!! After that we sit at this bar thang that they have and "talk" and then in usual randomness the meat sneezes. I call it a wrap and then we decide to just go back to 'lys' house but not before going completely around the parking lot to "check out the cars". We go back to 'lys' house do a lil' channel surfing, almost cryed duringthe ending of Sleeples in Seattle then once again I call it a wrap. I take Roxy home and then go home. Amazingly yet predictably I wander in my thoughts. Im completely awake and completely having great clarity. I feel bad that I compeltely vet all my emotional ish on my friends. Roxy has gotten a big helping of it and although she's great for not saying that Im annoying her I do feel like Im over using the priviledge. So reluctantly I know that I have to go back to my old ways. and hopefully I can fend off all those ill feelings I had. I've been having more of those days you know those" sweatpants and a gallon of ice cream" days. As Jodeci's "Lately" played in the background I started thinking about him again. Understandingly so I did not get the feedback desired that night from 'lys' and roxy. I started to question whether it would of been wiser to keep that part for myself. Not that I dont trust them but I feel fooliish a lot of the time. A lil' misunderstod and it's my fault. Maybe it should have been saved for my own personal debate. Why I love him is beyond me.No one has ever been able to compare to him. So I ask should I suck it up and do somethinga about it. Damn thoughts of "what will he think" and " I dont want to seem this way or that way" I dont want to be stupid. I dont want to be left with this empty feeling. I dont want to lose him. Dammit all these are sounding a bit repititious. I've tryed to shake off the feeling and it wont go away I feel like Im missing a part of me. I hope for a better day... posted by Shaistie at 10:52 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Oh wait I remember this feeling...
Well before I get into that I'd like to start by saying damn it sucks not having internet. My brother and pops had the brilliant idea of switchin from AOL to some DSL without prior notice THANKS!!! Okay now that's out of the way I got a lot to make up for my absense (not my fault). Let's see life hasnt been all peachy. oh wait it never is... dammit. For the past week I've been getting life talks from my mom (deservingly so). It all started when I went clubbing wih Alys' last Friday... Hell yeah I was excited but not in the mood for any drinking I was more there to get my bounce on... well after awhile of ppl insisting I gave in and that was my mistake. Brief run through of what happened. Alys' friend's friend's boyfriend is the owner and it was the grand opening and I thought this is gonna be great... well turns out of all the people that were suppose to be there there was only 25 or so (yeah no crowd basically the people we came with) nuttin much to do but sit at the bar. Met this guy named Doon, nice guy talked some I think he like alys' (LOL) then later me and alys' were gonna have one of those Im slightly buzzed and I dont care if you know conversations when a guy named Jeff came to holla at her. Long story short we left the club and went to visit the studio that Jeff's friend had. It was cool but I was tired and as we left he and alys' started making out. Talk about feeling third wheelish... On our way home he calls her like twice I wonder if they talked again? (I'll get into why I dont know in a bit) Thinking that that was the end of my night no more ish just go sleep to go to work the next day it didnt turn out so... My mom smelled the alcohol on my breath (even though I had like 3 pieces of gum and I brushed my teeth before i wetn to day goodnight) . My dad thought it was the toothpaste and didnt say nuttin... but my mom was so pissed I tried to deny it but that didnt go to well. Well to mae a long story short she didnt tell my dad but she went into calling me every name in the book and then some, talked about taking my car how I completely lost all her trust, how she didnt want me to talk or hang out with Alys' anymore ( that if she was gonna call she'd better call my cell cause if she called the house alys' would get hell from her), and that I shouldnt even talk to her because I wasnt her daughter.... I guess what helped make things less horrible was the fact that she wasnt gonna tell my dad so she had to act like nothing was wrong but I've been getting crap whenever he wasnt around. Not to say I dont deserve it, I felt really bad I couldnt even look her in the eyes.I feel like I really let her down and not to mention the fact that she had tol ie to my dad( she hates hiding anything from him). Dammit Im an idiot!!!! Things are better now though.
Okay now to tie in the title of this blog. I feeling like I've been feeling for the past five years. Really sad. Dammit why cant I have a normal realtionship? Im really sad and a dork!! It's been a week since he called and I didnt get to talk to him... you see what happened was that my phone was doing some freaky no phone calls no text messages recieved for three days. He calls on Tuesday and I dont get the call. I realized my phone was fucked up becasue roxy asked me why I hadnt text her back (SORRY!!!) then I started fiddling with it around 1:00 a.m. (I havent been able to sleep for a week and a half) and then a flood of balance checks text messages and VOICEMAILS. yeah he called so I couldnt call him back cuz it was 1:00a.m. and he was probably asleep... so I call him the next day and til now no answer. Yeah I've debated whether I should call him or not again. Dammit Everytime we do this I get this big empty feeling in my stomach, a weight in my heart and I just feel empty. No energy to do nothing I hate pretending like nothings wrong because there is..... maybe I should suck it up and call. It's not fair..... And yeah Im stupid for crying ... I wanna say whatever to the whole thing but no maybe if I dont do anything again it'll be this crazyness for another 5 years. I dont know what I should do but I know what I feel. Im missing him terribly. Maybe it would be easier to hate him, it would hurt less. Im doing it all over again it's not fair. Dammit why do I have to feel like this... posted by Shaistie at 10:40 PM
