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The Cheesecake Picker-Upper
So after a long day, a very long day I went to Basketball and played. We won but as usual my ankle needed its icing. All during the game in the back of my mind I was thinking about him. I remember this one day during P.E we didnt dress and we got a basketball and were playing. He had basketball conditioning that period and they didnt dress either so some of tehm joined our game. I usually have such an issue about this because I get self conscious and dont play as well as I could. But that day it was different. I hit a couple of threes and then from undr the basket he passes me the ball so i give it back to him but he passes it back so I shoot and I hit a two. Here I am almost beaming fromthe props recieved by the guys watching but mostly from the one from him "we make a good team...." I was thinking about that and most recently when I went to his house that "game" we played. All this and more. The look in his eyes. But yeah I was tring really hard to concentrate somewhere near the end my phone starts to ring. Eventually I can get to it and it's Alyssa. I text her and then after I get home and a quick run through shower I check my voicemail and she tells me she has to give em something, I was like W.T.F (in a good way) ? But yeah I call her and she wont tell me what it is. Later she comes over and she brings me Cheesecake! Thanks Alys' sooooo much for the boost. She stayed awhile we talked and I told her that I've been hanging up before the first ring that I dont know how to put in words what I need to say. Im just so afraid to ask what if anything I meant. I wish that we would of been more straight forward from the begining but that was one of the mistakes I made, I hate being so pessimistic and I think about being another one on a list. That I wasnt enough, that I didnt mean anything. I so badly want to ask if I ever meant anything. There's no real way of asking. But for now I'll find some comfort in cheesecake. Thank Alyss' you brang me a smile.

Que triste es...
no tenerte junto a mi lado,
besar tus labios,
Que triste es...
no poder tocar tu piel,
acariciarte y abrazarte,
pero muy fuerte ...
vivir a plenitud este romance
y otra vez...
escuchar tu voz
gritarme...te Amo

Yo solo se...
que esta noche,
te extranio tanto
y no sabes...
lo que yo...sufro
por...tu querer.

He tratado
de enterrar mis emociones
y no logro continuar enganiandome,
es inutil...
el seguir negando...
que te Amo

Dentro crece cada dia mas,
la pasion que siento por ti...
ninguno se puede igualar
al bello recuerdo que vive en mi.

Yo solo se...
que esta noche...
te extranio tanto
Y no sabes lo que yo...
sufro por...no tener...
tu Amor...



posted by Shaistie at 11:51 PM

 
Ice Cream and Heartache
It's near midnight and Im up. Nothing unusual about that really. My head hurts my eyes are puffy and I cant make this hurt go away. I dont know what Im doing anymore. I thought I had solutions for everything but now that I need them more than anything I seem to be at a blank, a stand still. I dont ever remember feeling this helpless. I tryed calling but I hung up before it rang even once. Kevin was suppose to get my pool key today but I lied and said I was out I need to get away. Away from me. Away from the self questioning, the what if's everything. Everything. Everything. I guess it's all manifesting in the form of a giant snowball after pretending to be ok. I dont want to believe in anything. Im tired.nothing is making sense anymore. all day Kansas or Ohio. I dont know how Im going to get use to the idea of never seeing him again. It's hard to get use to the idea of being left in distant memories. No matter how many tears I cry now ther's little I can do. Im terrible at putting all this in words right now. All I'll have is some pictures a few letters and memories which I keep in a little box. I just really needed to cry and see if that eases this. it's one now. But without a doubt I wish him all the best all the happiness even if that means a brokenheart for me. If going away is what he needs to do then it'll be wrong to try to stand in the way. I have a very long night ahead of me.


Corazon no llores
qué le vamos hacer
Si el destino se opone
imposible volver

Si el rosal no esta muerto
ni sus flores
marchitas estan
si nos abren las puertas
de la felicidad
si la fe no esta muerta
algun dia volvera si la fe no esta muerta
algun dia volvera
Yo vivo con la pena
de amarlo ciegamente
con loco frenesi
Yo sé que el me quiere
que todo lo que tiene
me pertenece a mi

Yo sé que esta sufriendo
que se esta consumiendo
de tanto padecer
Y yo me estoy muriendo
porque el destino dice
que ya no puede ser
ya no puede ser



posted by Shaistie at 11:52 PM

 
"KANSAS or OHIO"
Either or. No I didnt call him but Kevin called and the converstaion went into classes for next semester amd he had mentioned that they always take a class together or soemthing so I asked what about this semester and Kevin said that "He" might not be her. I asked really why not? and he said he's going to either Kansas or Ohio. I found out this way because I havent called.I feel bad because it's almost as if Im using him to find out stuff. Pathetic and wrong. Well atually this time I didnt spend an hour on the phone only like 20 minutes max. I was also talking Brissa online. Anyway he's coming to get my pool key tomarrow he didnt get one or something and he's gonna get a dupicate or something (even though your not suppose to). But yeah I dunno but Im hoping that he'll get the friend vibe. Oh the guy from the club called, no not Haron but Daniel the one that was stiff . I didnt answer the phone and he didnt leave a message. I did the usual today and as an added bonus I managed to piss my dad off. See we were gonna go get ice cream and motor oil (not together yuck) and on the way to get ice cream he starts side-seat driving which absolutely gets on my last nerve. So I said forget it I dont want Ice cream anymore and drove to the Kragen to get the oil. We drove home in silence and didnt talk at home. I've been doing the same ol' . But mostly wondering about him. Wondering about everything worrying about everything. Sobra decir that I've been hurting. so I leave you with this:

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
Maybe there's still is a way I can find you and say
Just how I feel.

I can't believe that's it's over
Wish somehow I could have showed him
All that was inside of my heart 'stead of playing the games
You might have stayed

Funny just the other night I was thinking
I wonder if you ever think about me
I call you on the phone, there's no answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
If there's a way I could beg you to stay would you please
Stay with me.

I was thinking maybe I could come over
Hoping we could finally work this out
Even if tonight we don't find an answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

If I had another chance
We would stand hand in hand
I'd be your girl and You'd be my man
Oh Well, maybe just maybe we can.

I still call you on the phone still no answer
Maybe later on I'll try one more time
Or am I just a fool to keep trying

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, a fool's what I am
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe
See if I got down on my knees and gave you every little part of me.

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely


It's raining now, maybe the heavens are empathizing with me and deciding not to let me cry alone.



posted by Shaistie at 11:39 PM

 
Hey Mom it's your Birthday
Yeah a big ol' holla at my mom, it' s her birthday and she's in Mexico but yeah Happy Birthday mom. I called her and talked to her for a bit, she'll be back on Saturday but I wont be here Ihave to work a Tennis tournament for Mercedes Benz an event that I did last year. But I'll see her on Sunday. I got so much to do before she gets here. Today no different than yesterday. I looked at an old journal and I realized how sad I was a year ago wondering when and if I'd eer see him again. The only difference from before is that I had no real way to get in touch with him. I've been thinking about it the whole day again. Im really sad. He hasnt called and maybe I should givein and do it myself but I cant help but assume what he would think. BAsically : Damn does she bug, is she desperate? I dont know Im just wondering what I should do. One good thing about today is the Marc gave my email to Lupe. See back during finals week you may remember that my brother and dad got the brilliant idea of randomly cancelling Aol for DSL leaving me with a million mised emails, and a lot of missing addresses including Lupe's. I had her old one and I tryed it only to get the message back saying it couldnt be delivered. I was so sad thinking that she would think I didnt wanna respond to her emails or that I wouldnt be able to write to her again but I guess she msut of gotten a vibe that I wanted to get in touch and got my email from marc. Thanks Marc! Only one other thing though is that I was on break and was just quickly checking my email and got the nice surprise. I was writing her back but thenI had to get back to work so I mostly directed her here to catch her up, how impersonal I know but it is the next best thing and a lil more detailed than a brief synopsis of what's been going on. But yeah so sorry Lupita but I promise to write to you first chance I get. Ay, but for now Im just hoping for a little ray of clarity telling me what I should do, how to go about this in the rigth way. But for now I think that I need to lie down and think. But yeah once again Happy Birhtday mom I miss ya much.




posted by Shaistie at 11:15 PM

 
Listening to yourself...

Body= Yeah your a damn retard, Hello? You listening? Man well Fuck you ... I quit....
Heart= Help me.......
Head= You got issues.... Let's discuss, no better yet I digress, I quit too....
Overall= Im a damn retard that has tried overoccupation to hide emotional issues.

Been gone for a minute but back again...
So the weekend, yup so the week, yup so.... Okay here goes. I've been working and going out especially this weekend to try not think. Bottomline= didnt work.Why? As previously mentioned no matter what I do there's always something there to remind me. But we'll get into that.

Friday:

Had to get up super early 4:00 am cooked for my pops, got ready left for job #1, catered for a breakfast/brunch thang 250 people. Finished that bounced to job #2 where I had to do a lot of restocking and inventory ish, so the back and arms ended up a lil sore. Ran around the whole day got a call from Alyssa : 1). You going clubbing with us? 2). Need to talk about Marc's b-day. I didnt know if I was gonna make it in time. Got home had about 45 minutes to get ready, talked to pops a little and then alyssa came and got me. Rushed over to meet the rest of the people we were going with and then hauled ass to the club. Alyssa pulls a "oh that's my exit" (My Best Friend's Wedding)and cuts across to get off the freeway, lil' scary but hey we made it. Got to the club pulled up and was amazed art how many asians were there (nuttin wrong a lil' tripped out cuz glendale is armenianville) avoided the line and just walked through with a "That's Moe's people" no I.D. no money required. So yeah here me and Alyssa are feeling all V.I.P. Who doesnt like feeling important right? Well after settling in a little I knew that I didnt wanna sit at the bar, that would only lead into temptation of drowning my sorrow in alcohol and I didnt wanna go through that, so yeah I remebered some good advice(thanks Roxy) and me and alyssa got to dancing. Stuck to water the whole night did I mention we didnt pay for drinks either? We (alys' and me) ended up dancing with these three guys for the rest of the night. It was really easy to dance with two of them but the third was one of those "Too-stiff-cant-find-your-rythmn" kinda guys. I spent a good part of the time with Haron and alys' with Josh. There was also a guy in a red plaid shirt that was standing by the wall near where we were dancing kept looking over, looked like he wanted to join but never did. He should of it was one big party. Didnt see him anymore because we went to sit for a lil bit near 2 in the morning cuz Lys' was hurtin' wrong shoes you know. Poor thing! Yeah then it was time to go, club was closing and mostly for shits and giggle I got a little bold and asked Haron for his number. And if you must know yeah I got it. A little earlier while dancing they started playing stuff like 112's "I still love you" and that's when the reminders came to play. You just get this tightening in your chest adn your stomach drops. Even though I had a good time (Thanx Alys') it all came back to him. I got home around 2:45 ish and couldnt really sleep thinking about him even though I had to get up at 6:00a.m.

Saturday

Went to work put in some overtime, got Marc's B-day present (Laker's shirt) and then made a couple calls. Rushed home changed, moussed/harsprayed hair and quick touch up on make up and then hauled ass to pick up Brissa. Picked her up then went to bank so she could get money and then made our way very slowly to Islands. Finally getting there 30 minutes after I promised. BUt yeas I was late. Cheli couldnt come, Hiromi didnt come nor did Eugene. Bums. Roxy was in Wyoming. Not so Bummy (Hi there Roxy). Had a burger and some good coffee ice cream cake and Marc got his nuts back. Birthday Joke from Michael, Big, Lance, and Jose who gave him a jar with some nuts in water presumably taken from lys' apartment. We all had a good laugh. I forgot to mention that I had about 50 missed calls in a 30 minute period but I did mention I was late. Well we headed off to the Laugh Factory. On the way Big gets pulled over because of his headlight, I lost a $20. We get in, great laughs including the Halle Berry joke that you simply cant go without. Two words:THE HORN. I was okay until the host started asking who was in love and who was in a relationship. Yeah, I went back into my inward thinking, back to the sinking feeling.Reminders. When it was over I got a little scurred that the Valet wasnt bringing my car. The guys had left before and we were suppose to meet them at Ralphs were we had left lys' car and we get there and they werent there. Dont really know what happened, had to pee and then called it a night. Took Brissa home and yeah we were talking in the car awhile and I left my headlights, the radio and the reading light all on and my battery died. Iman idiot. Long story short Brissa's dad comes to the rescue (Sorry but bless your heart thanks!) Left Brissa's and almost at the freeway I get a feeling that I should look at my phone and Brissa called (I left it on silent) but she called again. I had her purse in my car. So I bust a bitch and return the purse. Then I was on my way.Okay then getting off the freeway I get to the intersection where I turn to find that it's Police taped off, about 10 cop cars 2 ambulances and countless road flares are blockin the whole intersection. I couldnt turn to get to my house and I had about another 3 or 4 cars behind me so I was trapped. I thought it was an accident there were a couple cars but no real evidence of it and the red traffic ligth was blinking. I was worried that my dad would worry thinking that if it was an accident and my dad heard it he's be worried. After being stuck for 15 minutes people start getting ideas and start going in reverse and I finally got back to the 210 freeway and get off an exit after mine which is about 2 miles away.Nice. Yeah well I drive the 2 miles back up to see if I can get in that way, a lil' luck the flares were just barely far enough to allow me to get into my house. I got home 2:30 and I had to get up at 6:00 for work again. Nice. Well I was having my orange juice my dad walks in from his morning run and ask me if I knew about what happened onthe corner. Well it turns out that someone was murdered. And not to far from that on a steet called Sayre there was another intersection blocked off the same way. What a way to come home right?

Sunday:

Worked only half day came home, changed and played my second to last game of the tournament(basketball). Came home my dad wanted to go out to eat went to the Macaroni Grill in Valencia ( He lives up there) came homeand did laundry, ironing, and neated the place up a lil'. And now I'm up. I cant sleep even though my body is so tired I cant stop thinking. I guess because I haev kept these few nights full that now taht Im home it's all a flood of memories, questions, doubt,pain, longing, missing. but Im gonna go at least lie down and hope that sleep comes to avoid anymore thinking.




posted by Shaistie at 11:21 PM

 
hmmsah...
Two weeks. Counting the days. Yeah Im counting the days. Two weeks since I saw him. Yes I have contemplating calling him. I have yet to do so. Okay truth time. I dialed and before the first ring I hung up.

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do
All I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real

This is the last chance for us
This is the moment that I just cannot let end
Before I know that there's a chance
We're more than friends

So don't let go
Make it last all night
This is my last chance to make you mine.

I hid my feelings so deep
I kept my dreams of you and me
Somewhere inside
Although I pray that you would see it in my eyes

But this is my last chance to say
What's in my heart before you fade out of my life
And never understand the way I feel inside

So hold me close
Cuz it feels so right
This is my last chance to make you mine...

make it real, Make this dream reality
So close and yet so far
Gotta find a way to your heart
speak my mind, Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I can't let you slip away.. Tonight...

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do
All I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real
So don't let go
Make it last all night long
This is my last chance to make you mine...
To make you mine....

Maybe this is the last chance I have. Last chance for it to go either way. The uncertainty and anticipation is torture. I just wish it didnt hurt so much.




posted by Shaistie at 11:20 PM

 
Dumb...
Yeah, the day, I got through it, what do ya know it's been, um lets just say dumb. I did my career assessment, had to take the day off because apparently my registration day was today and that didn t go too smoothly. Yeah I basically got the classes I need BUT the hours suck so much. I had no real option and so I was tied down to 2 of my classes cause I had no options. Big f-in whoopteedoo. Yeah not to mention that I couldnt get through on the computer nor the phone and it took me an hour just to get through, nice, right.... And then I know I could of burnt the whole Cd but I actually felt like buying it and I bought the Bad Boys II cd and I overpayed for it. Circuit city had it for $10.99 but it was SOLd out so I stop by the Best Buy and get it for $15 and the cashier man told me I should of bought it when it barely came out they had it for $9.99 yeah thanks.... Subject drop...... splat..... eeww.... I guess that's my day in a nutshell. I did some writing I know what I need to say I just been hard to put the right words together. I guess Im afraid of gettin to emotional and it not making sense, It's too important . But then again that's only pressure. I just hope that the heart will help me out. *sigh* . I talked to Roxanne today, yeah I guess I wasnt blunt enough. The problem with telling Kevin upfront is that the opportunity never presented itself, he didnt try anything so it'd be kinda wierd saying something like that from the getgo but an end to anything but friends will be placed. So Im sitting here another day has gone by. My window of opportunity grows smaller and Im beginning to change my mind about not saying anything to him. Maybe everyone is right it needs to be said. I just hope that when the time comes the best words will too.
posted by Shaistie at 11:39 PM

 
Blunt....But not blunt enough...
I go right into it and then discuss the invariable details of my day. Bluntness.Two things are branching out of that. Let's start with the situation that I thought was handled, done with, a wrap... Kevin called. To be honest I didnt think he'd call after Friday. Yeah it was for any bad reason that he wouldnt call just that it was handled as "friends only". Going on the stories I've gotten and a couple of comments made by him (" If I know that nothings going to happen I really dont want to be there anymore" his words more or less) I figured that it'd be the first and last time and at most an occasional "hi" if we past each other on the way in or out of the gate. I was totally fine with that. Well now it turned into an hour phone call out of nowhere. I wouldnt mind being friends with him but I feel like it's giving the wrong message. Bridge burnt bottomline. So during this phone converstation I stayed on neutral topics and gave no opoprtunity for another outing. This is too much. Its another front to put up, it's not exactly easy to say Im emotionally messed up because your best friend is leaving me. I cant handle this. I know where I want to be and it's killing me not being able to be there. SO we move on two the second part of bluntness. After sucking it up somewhat I discussed it. Agreed answer from friends: you gotta tell him how you feel. I know it makes sense. Im afraid. Yes Im afraid. Dammit im afraid. It's too impotant, whatever I do or dont do Im afraid of messing up. Of not making the right choice. There's no blunt answer to it. No known outcome until I go through with a choice. So call him, be blunt say it. I played the scenerio in my head:
(phone Rings) Hey....
ME: Okay dont say anything let me say this before I cant do it anymore..............(says everything)
(silence)
Yeah I know there needs to be tweeking in it but thats how it get played in my head and the most disturbing thing about it is the silence at the end. It goes to the I dont know what's gonna come of it. I dont remember being so scared about anything like this. I know that my heart needs to say this but my head is telling me that it'll mess him up. I dont know what to do. I dont knwo how much time I have left, Death sentence- like. My day, thinking, work, basketball, laundry because dad got poison ivyed. Now to some alone time........sadly.
posted by Shaistie at 11:32 PM

 
Dreams arent making it any easier...
Last night I had a dream. I usually dont remember them or cant recall to much detail but this one was strangely vivid. I dreampt that I was in like a park sort of thing and I saw him and he told me that he changed his mind and that he'd be staying to play here. I felt such a sense of relief come over me. Thinking everything is ok now. it was so real but then out of nowhere my alarm goes off and a huge feeling of dissappointment fell over me. I realized it was only a dream and the emptiness settled back in. I kept trying to go back wondering if it was a dreamor if it reallyhaappened. I dont know if that makes any sense but it just felt so real. I guess it's because I want him to stay so badly that just the possibility of it got my hopes up. I got home from work and not even beng home for 15 minutes Big calls. We talked and he did his very best to cheer me up and I thank him for that. but mostly I was trying not to cry. His advice is to just tell him how I feel regardless just so I wont be left with regrets and maybe we can work something out. The way he explained it made it sound logical but just thinking of spilling my guts out like that all of it leaving nothing unturned is a very scary thing. It can be as simple as Im not enough. I got through another day slowly but I got through it. Im just terribly terribly alert. I havent been able to sleep and I have resorted to Valerian a couple times. For those who dont know Valerian is a type of root that is made into tea that helps you sleep, if you wanna goe the natural non-addictive no pills route. I went down the Valerian path just to get myself into a deep sleep and not wake up every hour or so and struggle to go back to sleep without thinking. Im debating now whether or not it'd be a good idea just to say everything , also suggested by Brissa. Can I really stand back and not do anything? But I cant get in the way, I shouldnt get in the way. I need to know what to do. I have to do the right thing adn it's a huge debate between my heart and head. I dont know what Im gonna do but the clock is ticking and it aint hurting any less.
posted by Shaistie at 10:59 PM

 
Didnt do it....
Yeah sunday um the usual not much, hauled ass to work handled my business and after a long hot day got my ass back at home now with my thoughts. Usually I'd start complaining about all the excess thinking time but on the real regardless I'd be thinking. Oh yeah one thing A big holla at Marc for his 20th birthday live it up playboy we gotcha next weekend...
Title...today is the 20th and I know that there could be a decision made and Im scared as hell to know what it is. With the same urge I got to know I got that same urge holding me back, maybe in a sense fooling myself into thinking that it's all not true. I know it'll be ten times harder knowing the exact distance because there will be something concrete definite about that. I havent been all there today. A lil' gone a lil' quiet. It's hard when you cant get away from yourself, there's no escaping the inner voice. Call him. I didnt do it. What the hells the matter. A more palpable loss this time knowing that I may never see him again. I cant do much about it. It's hurting me more than he'll ever know letting him go this way. I cant be at ease it's just not feeling right. Im thinking about tomarrow and the next and the next. painfully slow. Im not ok. But to the world Im ok.

If You Ever See Him
by Kristine Beulke

If you ever see him on the street
and, by chance, he nods and stops to speak.
If I happened to be mentioned,
please, answer this way if you are questioned...

If he asks you how I am,
say, 'wonderful with your memory
and lonely without your arms.'

If he asks you how I look,
say, 'beautiful, full of life.
You can only see her tears
when the light is right.'

If he asks you if I'm seeing someone,
say, 'only in her dreams.'

Then look him in the eye
and ask him these same things.

When you're through please tell him,
'she stopped looking... after you.
You were her dream come true.

You know stars don't always stay
in the sky.
And a love that is so precious
should never be let by.

But anyway, I'm on my way...
I'll tell her you said ...hi'

posted by Shaistie at 8:20 PM

 
Raining on a sunny day
Okay previous was Fridays post but I assume that you already knew that right? I hope so. After a day of work I came home and basically did nothing. I talked to Aracely which I hadnt done and once again I do apologize for not returning the phone calls. I talk to her and basically told her the story. I cryed again. Its so emotionally draining and disheartening. I hate not being able to be stronger and hold it in. Why does he have to leave me? I also got an invite out to go bowlingand I wish I could of gone but my pops hasnt been feeling to good. The night I came home from going to coffee with alyssa my dad was having chest pains and would have these sweat spells. I was gonna take him to the hospital but being these stubborn ass people he decided to wait it out. So I was up all night. I felt really guilty going out yesterday well more worried that he wouldnt feel well again. So yeah Im sitting at home cant sleep my eyes are puffy and I got this emptiness inside. I have been debating whether or not to call him tomarrow. Im afraid of finding out how far we're gonna be apart.
posted by Shaistie at 11:50 PM

 
Bad boys Bad boys.....
Seeing Will Smith can put a smile on anyones face. Yeah I went to see it wtih Kevin and it was okay. After a lil' discussion he came to pick me up around 8:15 ish. I had decided that absolutely nothing was gonna happen but I would make an effort to hide my sorrow and Try to be good company for kevin. Yeah well we talked about his music and such. We got to Burbank (he decided) and were amazed at how clueless we were on how full the place actualy is. We had a pretty hard time finding parking but we joked about it and ended up parking a ways a way from the movies. I didnt mind the walk so much but my lazy companion ok he's not lazy but he would of perfered closer parking. Anyway we wandered teh streets a lil, we sort of got disoriented and then finally found our way to the theater and as luck would haev it the movie was sold out. Being that Burbank had 3 theaters we went into the mall to try our luck there. We got our tickets and then got drinks ( yeah he paid adn I felt bad because I knew that he wasnt gonna get much in return) WE went in to find that all the good seats were taken and had to settle for second row fromthe front on the edge seats he wasnt to thrilled but I told him it was ok and not to worry about it. Wewatched the movie next to this couple whose side commentary was funny and I loved the movie. No he didnt try to pull anything while we were watching the movie and it was a great movie. I dont care what any one says it was great.... It was so great that I had to pee and held it not to miss any of it and also because I didnt wanna say I haev to pee. Movie ended we talked (nah we walked in silence to the car just kidding) came home drove me to my door and hug goodbye and that's it. It was cool hanging out with him I jsut wish that I wasnt feeling so cruddy inside and I hope this doesnt sound wrong but I could of been spared the long cell phone conversations ya know not much to do and more painful than awkward silences, but it was fun totally laid back I got to know him a lil better and with that i seriously doubt there will ever be another outing. Not because it was horrible but they expecrt a lil more you know It simply cannot happen I dont do that kinda ish. Best friends for crying out loud. BUt yeah roxy it's over with something I should of done 2 weeks ago but it's done. I had a pretty good time. But I couldnt stop thinking about Ryan. I miss him even more.
posted by Shaistie at 1:47 AM

 
Love and Basketball....
I know I have been away and I have explaining to do. Im actually making myself do this because I cant take being alone in my thougths. Im dying here. Yeah I keft ya'll off on Wednesday night and havent eventryed since. I've been trying to maintain composure and I know ya'll are understanding of that but I think it doesnt need to be said but Im completely torn up inside, feeling completely helpless and second guessing my decisions and trying to reassure myself that Im doing the right thing. I'll try to recap thursday best I can.
Well after gettin up early to cook and leave dinner for my dad ready I settled on wearing my baby blue outfit that Hiromi gave me for my birthday. I starightend my hair and proceeded to call. He was asleep understandably so considering the time he gets in and actually gets to bed. We talk and tells me to leave my house in 15 and call him when I get off the freeway. Although I had refused to be seen in bathing suit I brought it along with me just in case and i also brought along my basketball stuff (Iverson shirt, b-ball shorts and my Iverson's). I get to his house and Im such a dork that I didnt stop and ended up going around teh block twice, Yeah I know lame but whatever I guess Im a dork-- fine I am a dork. So I finally pull up into the drirve way and there he was *sigh*.I think what I'll forever hate about myself is my blushing. Is there a anti-blushing pill cause I need it!!! yeah so we hang out and then we went to the blockbuster to geta movie. Old School. Truth: I didnt care what movie it was, it could have been Jack Hanna's wild animal adventures for all I cared I was with him. The movie was funnier than what the previews had shown and it was great to laugh together and although there was some kinda of awkward moments you know if you've seen that movie the whole porno thing in the beginning and the blowjob lesson ok that's enough. So yeah after the movie we played a lil one on one and then sat back and watched a lil more tv. I know Im skimping on details but it's getting hard to keep wrting. So I'll cut a long story short after a great day of spending time with him here comes the worst. It's not what you could be thinking. He has a chance to play b-ball in ohio. washington state, or san francisco. He's leaving. And after hearing that I didnt have the heart to ask about us. If anybody shoukd understand how important this is for him it should be me. I cannot stand in the way of his dream. And although Im dying to say something to call him I have to hold myself back. As previously written I had thought about going to North Carolina and I had important reasons holding me back. Family friends and him. I guess im in a I just gotta get a way from all the memories that are screaming his name everywhere I go everyday. I cannot ask him to stay that would be selfish and I want him to be happy. I feel like Im getting left behind and I'll only live in the fading memories of the past. Once I turned the corner from his house I started to cry, my insides begging me to go back. I honestly have no idea how I made it back to work it's all such a blur and it's completely heartbreaking thinking about it. I got this lump in my throat and an emptiness inside, I've been hiding behind a smile Im watching him walk out of my life and I cant do a damn thing . To be honest I'd wait for him but I know that wherever he goes there will be other girls and I cannot compete with the distance, I dont know if Im doing right I dont know im sorry I cant keep wr
posted by Shaistie at 11:44 PM

 
Strenuous Activity, bring your play clothes...
So............... yep...........* nervous giggle*.......... Yeah you guessed it I talked to him........Okay getting serious although I love this feeling I gotta put my feet on the ground and think things through. I gotta be ready for all possible outcomes, which include unfourtunately a broken heart. I hate being so pessimistic but it makes it easier to accept the bad should it come my way but in no way does it make it hurt less. To continue my pessimistic streak all day I kept thinking that he forgot, regretted saying yes to seeing me, or wouldnt pick up the phone when I called. Well none of those happened. I called at around 9:45 ish and he was still at work I heard the loud whistle and screeching of Nike's on the hardwood, aww music to my ears I love the sound of nike's screeching on the hardwood. Yeah Im a dork but its the truth. Well yeah he told me he'd call me once he was off of work. Actually Iwas late calling him I told him around 8 but I went to a Salsa dance class. My friend needed a partner I dunno what happened tot he chick he goes with sprained something or something (wow aint my grammar great? and yes I know that aint aint a word).I dunno but for what ever the reason he asked me to fill in. Im not the dance class type I do enjoy dancing quite a bit ( okay who am I kidding Im the happiest person in the world if Im dancing.... proof a big ol' colgate smile). Anyway it wasnt so bad, did all the basics and as a nice bonus picked up a couple new steps. My friend wanted to take me out to dinner as a thank you but I had to decline I already had a pretty good time at the dance class, and I had a hard day doing all the ish my mom doese and going to work and I got basketball tomarrow yup I think eventually my body will protest but until then onward.... Well yeah anyeay he calls me back *sigh* and we talk about nonsense oh yeah any plan to wear anything cute went out the window, wear. Gonna play a lil one on one (basketball dont get any ideas), this is so "Love and Basketball" (I swear that's our story without theh sex though lol). We're gonna watch a movie and anything else that comes to mind. But most importantly what Im gonna do, ask him about us. And alhtough I have a lot to lose, it'll be done regardless (roxy wont talk to me until school starts if I dont----yeah I needed the extra incentive thanks!). Pushing the pessimism aside a little bit, I wonder if he could be the one for me this time. My mom called my dad regarding his sister adn then she went into the finer details of my grandma's house problem. Im in the stage where I believe that what's best is if thry sell it and use the money to find a nicer burial place for her and my grandpa. But just the mention of a family meeting to discuss what to do about the house sent most of them to hide in their rooms. I read this and it sounds like my grandma just passed but actually my grandma passed 17 years ago and my grandpa passed when my mom was 7. Everyone is taking the easy way out and living there rent free and dont bother to at least keep it up. I think what gets me and mom especially is that my aunt (the bad one) and her husband are claiming ownership of something they didnt even work for. It's 9 brothers and sisters well actually 8 my uncle passed. Im extremely upset over the fact that instead of fighting over ownership of the house they should be fighting over who gets to visist my grandma and grandpa's tomb. It's completely disheartening when I go see them. I only get to go while Im in Mexico and when I get there not even a trace of a flower, nothing. Completely abandoned with so many kids. With the exception of my mom and my uncle (who lives in colorado) everyone has opportunity to go at least once a month. I think that that's the thing that Im gonna miss about going to Mexico, I usually go and buy the prettiest red and white roses along with any other flower that appeals to me. But the roses are a must. Had my aunt not been so evil maybe my grandma would be living today here with us away from all that crap. Okay I think I vented a little, and with that Im gonna call it a wrap I gotta full day tomarrow I dunno if I'll be able to sleep because of the nerves but I gotta try. Cross your fingers for me and hope that things dont go too bad..........
posted by Shaistie at 11:45 PM

 
Putting the car in reverse and wondering how I even got it into drive...
Im really nervous and thinking of backing out, Im amazed I even got the nerve to calll him let alone ask him anywhere. No self confidence and a complete freshman at asking someone out. First time I ever did it and althoug Im completely stoked that that part went well Im a nervous wreck at the rest of it. I need one of dem tee shirts that says "Frankie says RELAX" yep da 80's. The worst part of it is that if at most I get to enjoy the alone time I'll be getting(which I think is incredibly sweet considering how busy he is) I know that Im gonna have to ask him what direction we're going at the end of it. Im dreading it because Im putting a lot at stake. I know I shouldnt think of it that way it only adds to the pressure but I cant help it. I know that it is due time that I find out whether or not we'll go anywhere with this and mostly the purpose for this encounter is to do so. And even though the mind wanders off thinking of all possible scenerios basking in the good and fearing the bad, it has to be done. I think for the first time I baked because I was nervous rather than because of depression. The 12 blue berrry muffins sitting on my counter are proof enough right? I went to basketball and was quite pleased at my performance but thoughts are interupted once again. My brother finally got the decentcy to finaly email me back and it looks like the whole situation of my grandma's house aint going to well. It's amazing how these people can act like that. I know that not forgiving people is bad but I dont think I can ever forgive my aunt for what she did to my grandma. It completely sickens me. I told my brother to watch out for mom, he says he is, I dont want her to get to riled up because it could be less than beneficial health wise and quite frankly it's not worth it. She's already talking about coming back early. Ay nako (thanks Roxy) what am I gonna do?
posted by Shaistie at 11:27 PM

 
Growing balls pays off (that sounds completely wrong, huh?)...
I did it. Under a promise and a push by Brissa, I hate her but at the same time thank you soooooooooo much......I finally gave in and called him. And even though I was petrified that he wouldnt want to go he actually said yes!!!!!!!!! And he set aside a nice amount of time for us considering he as 3 jobs and basketball practice. Damn my heart is fluttering I got a pit in my stomach and this nervous feeling. I love it!!!! I cant believe I did it. Well the big day is thursday and we're probably gonna see a movie (I dont care what). Im scarred though cuz after I enjoy the time Im gonna have to go through with it and ask him what is up..... Im gonna put so much on the line but it has to be said. Depending on how things go I'll decide what to say.I'll also have to tall him about Kevin and that my intentions are "friends only" and nothing ore regardless of Kevins intentions there can NEVER be anything and to be honest I dont want anything. I hope things go well but for the first time in a long time Im feeling better. But Im gonna take brissa's and roxy's advice first and enjoy it and then do the necessary. And as for kevin well it'll be friends only regardless.... I cant believe I did it and that he accepted!!!!!!!!! I feel like Im floating and nervous as hell.
posted by Shaistie at 11:24 PM

 
why must I leave my fantasy world, only to fall face first on the pavement of the real one..."
Okay so I havent posted since thursday and to be honest I didnt plan on it. Let's see on Friday I was at work at 4:30 in the morning (and yes there is a 4:30 in the morning) and had a tremendously busy work day... It 's amazing how people forget to be considerate but I guess that woul be generalizing and that would suck but all you slobs you know who you are and to those people who arent I appreciate you so much. So goin strong on about 3 or so hours of sleep I managed to get through my day. Well actually I talked to alyssa the night before for awhile told her about my whole court thing before I went to bed and it was good to talk to her although it looks like I wont be doing it again anytime soon since she's going to Hawaii -lucky bastard and I mean it in the good jealous kinda way. Well any way I hate to admit it but deep inside I was hoping he would calls so we could go watch fireworks together (however cheeseball that may sound but I would of simply love it Im a sucker for those kinda things) well it turned out that I was greatly dissappointed and I let my daydreams get my hopes up. I hate myself for it once more. I was really sad and I didnt really feel like going out or anything. I was feeling lonely I think what added to that was that my uncles are here and my dad is all buddy buddy with his brothers whisch is understandable but I guess I didnt feel so left out when my mom or brother are around. So plans for the fourth were to just stay at home watch the Patriot for the umpteenth time and what a couple of the fireworks I could see from my window. My uncle kept insisting I go out wtih friends because I looked bored and stuff the problem was that most already had plans. So I decided that I'd go to Border's pick up a book on an up and down romance that works out in the end (yup that right the thing I need to kick me further into depression) and a frappuccino at the Starbucks. But then on the way onto the 118 freeway I thought "Hey I haevnt seen Brissa in a while maybe she wants to do something" but then my pessimistic side thought "nah she's probably out" Regardless I gave her house a call and even though she had just gotten home 15 minutes ago from the beach she came along with. We ended up trying to get Jamba Juice to find that it had already had closed but got frappuccinos instead. Then we followed the fireworks and ended up parked an extremely packed parking lot of a Whole Foods market and watched the fireworks and talked about all the crazy ish in our lives. After the fireworks ended we went to another Starbucks to fiishs off our frappuccinos and talk on the couch. It made me feel better to talk to Brissa. She also has been through some rough stuff and we made each other laugh. I got some great advice and felt better something that wouldnt of happened had I stayed at home. Im been feeling so left out lately. Then Saturday comes around and after a long day of work I came home to cook for the family and I get a total random call from Kevin. See what had happened there was that back in March or something he told Mrs. Carter that he was interested in me. I was totally surprised but not interesting in pursueing anything with him for the following reasons. 1). He is "his" best friend and talk about Ho-ish behavior 2) Kevin used to like Mrs. Carter and I could and didnt want to break the rule about going out with "would-have's should-have's, are's, were's, etc. It's something that you just dont do ( and even though Mrs. Carter told me it was completely fine that she had no feelings for him and it was Okay I felt that it wasnt. Well back to the phone call well kevin stopped calling after awhile and I thought maybe he got the idea that it wouldnt go anywhere, well I guess it wasnt so. He calls asking what I was doing that night and I told him that I was having dinner with a friend( Brissa and I were suppose to just hang out again cuz she was gonna be home alone because her mom was in Mexico as well and her dad and sister were going out) I asked what he was doing and he said "trying to go out with you" pretty blunt right? well long story short we ended up being on the phone for like 50 minutes talking about my court , his music, 4th of july and since we both had some plans taht night that we'd go to the movies on Sunday ( Dammit why not learn how to say you cant go?). Well today sunday I came home from work cooked and did my hair and makeup ( No need to get all dressed up but no need to look all torn up right?) Well he calls around 7 ish asking what weshould do, what movie etc. Well he said that he's heard that all the movies out right now sucked ( The Hulk, 28 days I wouldnt know because I havent seen a movie in like forever) The I said I wanted to watch Bad Boys 2 and I thought it was out this week and apparently it's not out til next week oops I didnt realize that until I hung up and he had told me to call him on Friday... I mean we could of seen soemthing else or gone to dinner but I didnt really help reroute it in that direction. Meanwhile I had roxy telling me I should just get it over with and make it clear that its friends only, I also talked to brissa on the phone today because i was suppose to call her and telll her about the whole kevin thing and ended up being on the phone for like 2 hours. Just talking about her situation and my situation and predicament. I dont think kevin has told "him" and I dont think "he" has told kevin . It's like Im playing these guys but Im not Im not trying to. I only want one thing and that's "him". And I think that after that converstaion with Brissa Im gonna put 5 years, my heart, and love on the line and be straight out and call him to ask if we can get together for coffee in order to get a chance to find out how he feels. I cannot keep wondering I cannot do this for another 5, 10 years. I think today is gonna be the day.....and hopefully I wont fall face first on the pavement of reality.....
posted by Shaistie at 12:06 AM

 
And so Im here.....
Little sore but it's okay no more than usual, the problem here is the soul and heart but that I'll get into in a bit. It's kinda funny now but it really used to bother me when I wasnt taken serious in basketball cause my size. It aint no secret that Im not the tallest person in the world. But now it just rollls off. You can talk all you want but until you prove it no respect is given. Season is almost at an end and Im wondering if I'll play anymore. The thought is depressing really cause it's something I always counted on. Too let it go is like giving up a part of me and I dont think Im ready to do so. With life so damn demanding it may come in the way and its disheartening. I thought a lot while driving home. I wanted to get out and clear my mind. I kinda half-assed an attempt to go out with friends but it didnt work out. c'mon the day before the 4th who am I kidding? So I just went home and stood in the shower for awhile hoping that it'd help. To tell the honest truth it didnt help much. I cant shake this feeling of missing something. I think I needed to verbalize it buit I guess this is the next best thing. I was thinking of heading off on my own to a Border's or something to buy a book to help put me in another world so not to think so much about me. But I didnt feel like being alone. My uncle's are here right now and that usually means that my pop's and them hang out and I usually dont mind but my mom and brother aint here so that make me feel left out. I've been working, trying to put mind elsewhere. I havent seen friends too much except teammates but that soon will also diminsh. I've been waking up with the feeling that nothing really matters anymore, why bother? I've been trying to look inside myself and trying to find answers, a little self discovery. It's a painful process that I've been undergoing for a long time. Its hard to accept flaws and discovering that maybe your not who you thought you were. You start questioning whether you truly are a good person, if you are a good friend, the decisions you make and the list goes on. It's in these moments of solitude that I have time to think. I didnt want to think today. Im so broken up inside that I didnt need anymore to sink me lower. Furthermore, i've been neglecting to contact friends as much. I have failed to be there and Im really sorry for it. I found this and it really sadden me to the point of tears http://notsosimple.net/blog/index.php?p=124&more=1&c=1 . Ive also been thinking about him (no surprise here). *sigh* I wish that I could just brush it off ya know. Why is it so damn complicated? My heart aint too good (and no I didnt call nor text messaged).I have the world to say and not the courage to do so. Well not to leave on such a down mood I'd really want to go tp the Price is Right, I always wanted to go since I was litttle, Im a dork.... I got an early day tomarrow Im up at 3:00 am and then fireworks from my window Have a great 4th all!!!!
posted by Shaistie at 11:35 PM

 
A lil' light in all this gray...
After a sleepless night I headed off to court on the front that I was going to career counseling up at the university, not completely a total lie because I had the appointment ar 11:00 a.m. and I was hoping that I wouldnt miss it like I did two weeks ago. I swear I kept waking up every 30 minutes or so thinking I would over sleep and then I'd get a super bench warrant on my ass (not cute at all). Well so I left my house like 7:15ish and was on my way untilI hit the 405 freeway-->Lets just say fuck the news they are so damn inaccurate "all clear"my ass. Anyway Im getting of PCH and according to mapquest you make a left turn , well there's this damn sign that says "no left turn between 7:00a.m-9:00 a.m and Im thinking damn this is the directions I got I dunno how to get there any other way so I take the damn left turn anyway and less than 30 seconds a cop standing outside his cop car flags me down and I have to pull over. Apparently they had stopped the other car parked in front of me for the same reason. So he asks:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me: Not really
Cop: You made a lef turn when there's no left turn betwen 7 am to 9am
me: Im so sorry, I was following these directions (shows paper with directions) and it told me to make a left and I dont know any other way of getting there
Cop: Where you going?
me: the courthouse (Im thinking dammit I really need him to think Ima criminal now)
Cop: what for?
me: Speeding (I didnt really want to admit it was a MIP)
Cop: Let me see the ticket
me:(dammit) wait is today the 2nd? (looks for ticket in purse) Sorry Im thinking the wrong thing(hands ticket)
Cop: (half laughs) oh you got caught how old are you?
me: Im 20 (still thinking fuck Im gonna get a ticket for the left turn)
Cop: Wow only a year away that has to be bad luck sit right there I'll be back(walks over to cop car to where his partner was writing the guy in front of me
up and Im thinking shit shit shit he only wanted it to copy the info for my new ticket dammit this cant get any worse and it was already 8:30 I should of
been at the couthouse. Cop walks back with his little write up thing)
Cop: Ok Im gonna let you go, you can go once my partner is done, do you need to know how to get to the courthouse from here? (Sigh of relief from
me thanking God and then proceeding to humor him)
me: Yeah ( seeing that it could take a few mintes) actually can I ask you what I should do about this do I apply for public defender.....

Okay long story short he gives me detailed information of how to get to the court house where to go and what to do, who to talk to (he told me to talk to a lady named Cynthia who should be in the court I was going into) and then let me go before his partner was finished cuz the guy in the car in front of me couldnt find something and was taking really long. So I end up being like 15 minutes late and I check in. It turns out that the Cynthia was the sheriff guard person who had been there 2 weeks before and told me not to worry. She gave me the papers I needed to fill out and told me that I didnt need to apply for a public defender because it was my first offense and this time the comissioner was there instead of the other 2 not so nice guys( judge and persecutor). She told me it'd be a little scary but it'd be okay (Thank God for that woman I didnt feel so alone). Well court started promptly this time we heard some cases but some Public defenders or lawyers were not prepared so they skipped to the people representing themselves and finally they got to me. I failed to mention that the commisioner lady came in with a good mood but people that had gone ahead of me were rude and were giving her attitude and Im thinking this is completely unnecessary she can lock you up for all she cares but most importantly we all had to go up after them why piss her off so she can take it out on us? Well I get up and she didnt have the look of utter disgust but more of a Jenny Jones kinda look to her. The persecutor was a little old and also did not have the evil look of "damn you criminals". So the persecuter lady says"it's her first time ........"Im thinking isnt she suppose to be trying to get my liscense suspended? but then Im like what the hell am I thinking she's helping me. So the judge looks over all the crap she told me to summarize what happened and then she went into a 15 minute "you should know better, be responsible, your really lucky speech" and all I could do was agree with her and look sorry for it. She told me that I was being cut a huge break and I wouldnt be so lucky if it happened again (It will sooo not, Im waiting the 8 months I got left) and that had i chosen to drive I could of put many people in danger and to wait til Im 21 and then only do so responsibly and not to drink and drive. Then the persecuter said " the people move that charges get dropped to an infraction and a fine" Man I must of said "thank you" like a million times during the whole thing. Then I was told to go to the clerks office and get my fine. Before I left Cynthia comes over telling me that I had to sign a paper saying I had plead guilty ( had to to get it over with instead of going to trial) and she gives me this reassuring look and says" that wasnt so bad now was it" I told her thank you for everything and she even pointed me to the clerks office. So now I just gotta figure out how to pay this damn fine of a whopping $355 well actually $350 cuz Roxy said something about giving me$5 bless her heart. *sigh* at least I still got my liscense now I only got some debt but it could of been worse.
Well I didnt get to go to the beach today with roxy and eugene dammit people. Actually Roxy was being evil and trying to talk me out of going to work she was really close but I had to do the responsibile thing (and that shit load of work aint gonna do itself). But I wish I could of gone I've been so sad and worried and working so damn much it would of been nice to be irresponsible. Oh I forgot to finish I ended up leaving court to get to my career counsiling 5 minutes early. Major to be declared some time soon. Anyway I got homw from work and Im just chillin'. Im so incredibly lame and stupis I ws thinking of calling him to tell him about the how the whole court thing went over cause last time we talked he sounded genuinely concerned (*sigh) but then my coward self put down the phone after convincing myself that it wasnt a good enough reason to call. Dammit stop being so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jackass..... Im missing him like crazy and it's driving me nuts to admit it. So much for calling to see what he's doing on the 4th ---me? I was hoping to be brave enough to ask him if he'd like to do something but well Im going into work extra early and then Im off at 2:00 pm Im a dork or maybe I watch too many movies but it'd be nice to watch the fireworks. But then again they are only movies fairytales just stories and not real life , and before I get myself too down I end my post here, it'd be nice to live in that fairytale though. But at least I got a little light in all this gray and I have to be thankful that it went over ok. A'ight this post is too long I'll holla atchu tomarrow....
posted by Shaistie at 11:16 PM

 
9 Hours and 30 Minutes until you die...
I took my mom and brother to the airport and now Im left with my pops and for the week my two uncles but Yep tomarrow is the Wednesday, and Im so scarred. I dunno what's gonna happen to me and the uncertainty is the worst. I can get my liscence suspended for a year. I cannot afford a lawyer and I cannot afford to let this happen. Liscence suspended = insurance goes up= parents find out= Im dead. What's gonna happen to me?
I've come to realize that this whole experiece, life, has drained so much from me. Taken away joy and filled my head with more worry and stress on top of my everyday usual. This morning I gound a white hair, yep thats right a white hair and I know it has to be from the stress cuz Im only 20. I've been thinking constantly about is and today knowing that tomarrow is tomarrow that it's less than a day away now I got this nasty pit in my stomach to add to the aching of my heart. I feel bad that I have been thinking of him also when then only thing on my mind should be court and I have guilted myself over and over. I've set it aside( as much as possible) and tomarrow is the day.... Im scared to be up there alone and I hope that I can hold strong and not cry. Cross your fingers and wish me the best (Im gonna need it). *sigh* I dunno if I'll be posting tomarrow or any time soon. Im scared....
posted by Shaistie at 11:05 PM