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Nobody said it was easy, but no one said it'd be this hard....
Labor day weelend is here and that intails more work. Moms is trying to convince me to go down to Laughlin with my brother for the weekend but I doubt that I will go, why add to my left outness. Looks like work only this weekend It's good but then again it only reaffirms my no life. Nah its not so bad. I need time. I was sitting in my history class and drifting into happy memories of better times and it only brought a sad smile. I was thinking of the day we met. Tournanment is going ok except that Im thinking about him. Didnt play so bad.Hope that basketball with ok with him too. It's important to him. He's worked hard for it. I just thought of the day we played that really jacked up version of basketball at his house and I shot over him, a three, even if he said it wasnt , it was, but maybe he let me have that one.That smile, such a show off. Damn I miss him. Would it be so wrong to call him now? Got another full day tomarrow. I dunno if people are going away havent really talked to much to anyone this week. But for now Im just trying to get through today. I've been thinking of you til it hurts, but what else can I do I miss you. Im sorry.......


posted by Shaistie at 12:04 AM

 
Contagious...
Im wondering if my sadness is contagious. That's one of the reasons Im hesitant to talk about it. Everyone is doing fine and here I go messing with that. Im so sorry. I really am. I really am.
I got an email from Mary. It's so good to hear from her. It's become so hard to keep in touch but Im trying. Hopefully we can all get together for coffee or lunch or dinner or whatever gives us time to talk about our endless list of things to talk about.
Labor day weekend coming. Not too excited but at the same time it brings the work necessary to pay bills and more importantly to keep my mind occupied.
Earthquake. Yeah. California ha. at the risk of sounding wierd or something It was a little bit cool just cause it'd been awhile adn NO Mars isnt causing it.
School. okay except for the reminders but those are everywhere.
Long day, done.
posted by Shaistie at 12:00 AM

 
Following me everywhere....
Second day of school, done. English 313 is ok the professor has a wierd sense of humor but it keeps me awake. Professor for civilization before 1500 is one I know Im gonna have not the superest time with, He used to teach in Yale and Harvard and Cambridge and now in UCLA and part time at Csun. He doesnt care who you are completely impersonal and a prick. So ends that. Making the best effort to hide my feelings. But it follows me everywhere. I thought I had played my last game of the season but we got one more go at a little tournament. Busy. Reminders. I cried on my way home. Radio made it worse. "Walked outta heaven" Jagged Edge. Enough said.



I'm rolling down a lonely highway, asking God to please forgive me
For messing up the blessing he gave to me, I see
Everything clearer now
The nights as black as black as it's ever been, without my boy
I'm losing
And I pray that he just sheds his grace on me
I need just to be back with my baby

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away,
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

See my momma told me that if it's meant to be
he'll come back, and he'll forgive me
But, the best thing I can do
Is to just let him (let him) go
I know
I don't
Want to do it
But if I continue to push, he'll just pull away
And I know that in my heart it's a reality
I didn't treat him like he wanted to be treated
And I hope that he's not gone for good, no

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
And don't know what to do
To get back right with you
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

Baby, I pray back for you all the time
So tell me what's wrong with my life
And I tried
I tried

I feel like I can't walk
I feel like I can't talk (I can't do it, no)
I don't know what to do
To get back right with you
I feel like I just walked out of heaven

If you ever have somebody
(I feel like I can't talk)
If you ever have somebody
But you know without that one somebody

It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
And don't know what to do
To get back right with you
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away,
Like a child that's lost their temper
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away
Like a child that's lost their temper
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven

posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
It's raining. It's not raining over here, Damn you do have bad luck.
First day of school in the books. Parking horrible as usual, was late to my first class because only one shuttle was working even though I was there 25 minutes before my class started. My geology professor changed, so much for the eh level of the class. Met a girl named Anna who was nice and we talked like we knew each other for like ever. The guy who talked to her talked to me but I ddint really hear his name. The guy next to me talk to me I couldnt hear him to well he spoke kinda low, seems nice, class was slow but nice to have people to at least say one or two words to. Headed off to meet Roxy. On the way saw a guy and thought it was Him from behind so I walk a little faster knowing all the time that it wasnt him but could convince myself of it until I saw him, it wasnt Him. Break was spent at Cheli and Eugenes Russian class,no clue what they were saying. Greek and Roman Mythology class long, teahcer thinks he's a comedian Ok a suppose. Went to work, returned Big's call talked for awhile, Felt bad for not being able to be upbeat. Mind played tricks on me all day. Wonder how He's doing. It started raining at my house and BIG said it's not raining over here, Damn you do have bad luck. The sad thing is I know. Day over.
posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
Keeping occupied, adding school to my plate...
This summer hasnt been great. Now that it's coming to an end I cant say that Im not glad to see it go. I never thought that I could be so messed up inside I never thought that my life could go so wrong in a matter of months. Maybe that comes with not having a plan and living day to day thinking that I could handle things that came my way thinking I had the answers when in reality when everything came down at once Im breaking down. Im put into delf doubt and questioning me. I thought that I could handle everything. Maybe Im not the person I thought I was. I thought I was stronger. So now I have something else to fill the days and time. The time that just tortures me with thoughts and regrets DIving head first into my work and school to pass the time. This summer, I wish it never happened for me. Tomarrow I start school knowing that there will be no chance of seeing him anymore reality sinks in. At home Im almost nonexistent and it's starting not to feel like home anymore. Got my best friend in the hospital. This time basketball cannot cure this one , I tried to no avail. I dont know if I did the right thing. Hoping for the better days that have failed to come, Im just hoping to get through the day.
posted by Shaistie at 11:57 PM

 
Kansas
Yeah he left today or should I say yesterday. I dont know how to describe it all I feel like someone has let the bottom of the floor just drop and Im falling. The lump in my throat has made me feel like throwing up and Im trying my hardest not to cry uncontrollably. I found out through Kevin. What makes it absolutely the worst is that He was having a going away party and Kevin was suppose to tell me and he forgot. HE FORGOT. He tells me this and Im already leaning up against something and trying to keep composure. He forgot. Now I feel even worse just thinking that maybe He thought I had better things to do than to be there. That his going away wasnt important, that I didnt care to say goodbye. Nothing can be farther from the truth. This is just cruel. Im ready to quit everything. I dont wanna get out of bed I dont wanna pretend to be happy I dont wanna do this anymore. How did everything just go so horribly wrong? Guillermo i n the hospital, Stress at home and work, and now He's up and left. HE left and I cant even tell you how much this is hurting I just wanna fo away. I see him in everything and everywhere there isnt anywhere to go. I went out with alys' and Cheli to try and distract myself and thanks so much for keeping me company you guys Im sorry I couldnt be at my funnest I tryed. Stephen called to cancel on me. He couldnt get off of work and I think it was better that way now with this I absolutely could not be any company to him. Im feeling alone and empty, I tryed to be optimistic Ithought I could handle things but I cant I cant and maybe love isnt enough. Maybe Im not enough.
posted by Shaistie at 1:32 AM

 
It's just good to hear you....
Well last night and all of today was not so good. On Wednesday I found out that my best friend Guillermo was in a really bad car accident and I thought I would just lose it. Complete utter helplessness and maintaining some sort of composure. Freaking out helps very lil' but I cried so much all of last night. I dont know what I would of done if anything happened. Well after surgery the worst of it was over and now he has to heal a broken arm, leg, couple ribs but he's in good spirits and Im so incredibly happy to report that he'll be fine. That's where he has been and thats why I havent been able to reach him. Dammit if he ever does that to me again I'lll break his other leg. It was so good to hear him and even though he couldnt talk much just having him say it's just good to hear you and knowing that he was there made everything that much better. So get well soon willy!!!!!!!!
LIl' side note before I go I gotta get a lil sleep being that I havent slept but an hour since wednesday yeah I called stephen and we're going out tomarrow and to the movies and we're gonna see Bad Boys II this'll be the third time but as alys' can agree you can never get enuff of Will smith. so yeah We're meeting around nine the problem is I dunno where at Citywalk yup NOT helpful and I cant remeber him to clearly now, all I remember is he had nice teeth. Im gonna be walking around "hey can I see your teeth?" Not good. Dunno if he remembers me all that well either. Problem? Well cant worry about that too much and I just hope its ok and in any case I got my caller already lined up Thanks Alys'!!!!!!!!! I guess in the back of my head is "HIM", but I hope that I can at least be ok company for Stephen.
Now to try to sleep and at least now the only thing that is great is that my Willy is gonna be ok.
posted by Shaistie at 11:55 PM

 
Just saying....
Blah today. Same ol' same. not much different, tryed to get a beach expedition going, dunno if it'll work out.Thinking.
posted by Shaistie at 11:53 PM

 
A week away... Miles away
Well its exactly a week before school starts and even though its another thing to fill inthe gaps of idleness that allow for thinking Im already thinking about papers, reading, and finals, Yeah really going ahead arent I? Alys' started school today hopefully it wasnt too bad. But yeah I still got books to buy as well as a parking pass yup my money tree died what the hell man? And all of the sudden gas decides to go f-in expensive on me, really no not cute. I havent heard from Guillermo in awhile Im reallly beginning to worry, he gots some crazy explaining to do ya heard me? And with the begining of the school year comes the kick in the ass that tells me that he's gone. I sat here for awhile going through some things. The things that I have kept during all this time. Letters, pictures, reminders. Just remembering. It's amazing how vividly I remember those things. Making my heart still skip a beat, causing me to sigh, giving me smiles, and ultimately causing me to cry, longing for all that back, wanting it all back so badly. Now miles away.
posted by Shaistie at 11:45 PM

 
Cheese n' Monkeys, Bread n' Dogs
Yeah wierd but it's been a bit of a picker upper that I've used lately... It seems that lately we're all not doin' so well. Life.... I guess for the most part all we can do is wait it out. Work was a little better, at home I hardly said two words to my pops I think the only thing we said to each other the whole day was when we were having dinner he asked if I wanted bread. This usually happens when he knows that he was out of line. Yeah nuttin much else to write I spent like 2 hours on the phone with Roxanne and like 1 and a half with Alyssa never run outta things to talk about do we? I hope that you all feel better and that things get better for all of you.
posted by Shaistie at 11:41 PM

 
Wishing work lasted all but the four hours I need to sleep...
I got up wetn to work and even though I have been having little difficulties with the people that work under me, mostly issues of being taken advantage of, but to be honest I havent gone through full blown Bitch mode on it but Im so close to it. Um after dealing with that ish it was just keeping myself occupied with everything . Came home and then had to deal with bullshit here. Pops is being such a prick and my mom is adding to it. I think that all three of them love gettingon me for any little thing. I swear do I have a kick me sign or something? This is only adding to my reasons to leave list. Maybe it'd be better if I do so. I hate to sound like Im giving in giving up but Im at such a breaking point. Im done. I wish to sleep for so long to not feel anything to not think. As much as Im dreading the papers due and all the assigned reading it'll be good to go to school just to add to the list, and even though I might be wearing myself to a crazy point anything but anything to avoid thinking and dealing with all this shit. I feel bad that I wasnt able to see Alys for coffee but then I found out that Marc's mom is sick. i hope she's ok. Damn no Im not crazy but I have been living off 4 hours of sleep a night cant get anymore, dont need anymore. Oh just gotta add a little something his name really is Stephen and I know ths because he called. We didnt talk for long mostly my fault because he asked what I was doing I said I was getting ready to go out which was a total lie but today wasnt the best day. He's a little on the shy/nervous side but why put him on full blast for that? He offered his phone number and I didnt wanna make him feel dumb (it's mean to make someone feel more self-conscious than they do already) but yeah caller I.D had already taken care of that. So we said we'd go out sometime and we'd talk soon. Well Im sticking a fork in it Im done..............
posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM

 
Hey Brissa...
Well yeah um today was no different than any other went to work early came home Mom wanted to go looking for a present for my lil' sis' first communion no luck finding anything that just screamed "WOW" so she bought a shirt and I got new earings(just in case I lose one I got a back up pair at hand okay and they were nice). Got home and didnt really wanna be at home to think. Didnt knoe if alys' was back yet and Roxy was at Agnes' so couldnt really make it a full blown girls night but went out with Brissa so it was still a girls night lol I made no sense but yeah. Headed off to the the Northridge mall area and decided to get some Jamba Juice (good call Brissa). Then with juice at hand we headed off to walk the now closed mall. We discovered something it aint so bad doing it this way. See sadly you cant ever go to the mall "just to see" you almost always buy something no matter how small it is. But if you go when everything is closed you can only do just that "just look". Well we got a lick outta dat walked back to my car and then decided that citywalk was the place to be and headed over there. We walked around and it was great that many people and the music was all a great distraction so yeah Brissa you started it!!! She all of a sudden says "did you see that guy?" Lol Actually there was a fair amoount of attractive males at the place. So we kept walking around listening to the music got asked to danced but declined because yes we are only 20 only 7 months to go, 4 for you Brissa I hate you nah nah Im playing.BUt our walking led us to the fountain thingy of Universal Studios were we continued our conversation. Sitting near us were these 2 guys. One was wearing tis really nice hat and ok yeas he was attractive but at the time me and Brissa were talking about "him" . My heart sinks at the thought of this. It's funny really because all the good times can make me so incredibly happy and just remembering that he's leaving destroys me inside. We after awhile we decided to continue our converstaion walking. So we get up and leave and start walking. A little ways down Outta of the corner of my eye I see the white hat and think nothing of it. We keep walking and I still see the hat. Brissa wanted to go into a store called "Glow" I think just for the bajeezus of it and I ask Brissa if she had noticed the guy at the fountain and she said not really she kinda was sitting in a way that it would be hard to. Well Im thinking that they are long gone and didnt look back anymore. Well yeah so me and Bris keep walking and really the music just makes you want to dance so there were occasional shimmy's and such . We keep walking and joking about all the old times in high school (change of subject cause I didnt wanna bring the mood too down) and then I feel a slight bump and a low "so where we going" I look over and it's the guy with the white hat. I think he was a little nervous which I thought was kinda cute, I guess he got he guts to say something in one of the loudest sections that I hope his name is Stephen. Well he said his movie was about to start and asked if he could talk to me later and yes I did give him the real number. It doesnt realy matter if he calls or not it was a little confidence booster. As low emotionally as I am my self esteem is draggin with it. I havent even tryed lately I've been going the baggy pants and shirts route. Hair is whatever and make up is very light. It's been that way unless Im going out with friends in which an effort is made, it helps to hide my saddness that I dont wanna show too much of so not to depress any of them. So tonight I rocked the J.lo hat and my new earings and boots (suede sucks had to dodge bubbles but I love them boots). So yeah regardless of it boosted me up a little. But now I have some guilt. And I miss "him" so much.I came home and I cant sleep and decided to blog and I randomly checked Alys's blog not expecting to find a change being that I didnt know what time she'd get home but yeah I hope you feel better. I wish I woulda known she got home maybe citywalk might of helped but we'll do something real soon!!!!!!!!!ANd alys' remember people who like bread like dogs..... I read Roxy's Im sorry Damn work but we'll do something soon too, it's called a phone....
posted by Shaistie at 2:37 AM

 
Damn virus/Worm whatever the bajeezus it it is....
Well first of all what kind of person gets joy outta f-in with peoples computers, really, is it that f-in hilarious? Do they get some twisted-ass pleasure? Well yeah basically that sucked I think my brother fixed it although Im not comletely sure but hey it's a lot better thatn I could do being that my computer fixing skills are limited to the basics. Last day I wrote was on Sunday so what its been like 4 days and your in for a shocker, everything is about the same. Carrying the smile, realizing classes are starting soon and my schedule sucks monkey ass, Im looking foward to pushing my credit card debt by a few hundred thanks to my books and parking pass and I think as the semester progresses the reality of his leaving will present everywhere I turn. I have yet to decide a major but these career counseling appointments I've been going to have been in some way a form of free therapy. Went to Eugene's for a little improv BBQ and it was great seeing all them people, Work , work, work,work.... I shouldnt think. I shouldnt think.
posted by Shaistie at 11:46 PM

 
15 minutes about rocks...
Long day. Came home got shit for not taking my brother to Fry's and then stating how muchit sucked that he an dmy mom had already goten a vacation and I've done next to nothing on mine. They dont get it and I basically wanna say fuck it why the hell so you take pleasure in making me feel like shit. No comfort anywhere. Actually around 2 siomething in the morning I got a text from roxy and at the time I couldnt really decipher whether I was dreaming or not. I talk to Roxy for like almost 2 hours which got me into another state of mind so who cares if we were talking about rock laws in national parks and monkeys and their feeding habits and cows adn how tipping affects them. Hopefully it was a nice distraction for her too. Just think about it this way roxy you get to do this every Monday Wednesday and Friday during that hour break and class we got. Ay not much more but to say I feel like shit.
posted by Shaistie at 11:22 PM

 
Breakdown...
I lost it today. Somewhere between all the memories and all the pessimistic thinking and simply everything it just all piled up and I ended up cryin in a bathroom stall during my break. How could things turn out so badly? I just want to say Im done, no more. I've been working myself like crazy and although it masks it for awhile the reality is that eventually it's going to be there the moment the very second you stop. It makes you lose sleep, it follows you even though you push and push trying to keep it in the back of your head and then all you can do is accept that it's another failure to the list. It cant be done. I didnt eat much today. Didnt feel like it I think I had a bottle of water and one of the blueberry muffins I made. Hour long minutes this day was too too long. This is just hurting badly. A lot of self questioning. not much to write.
posted by Shaistie at 11:14 PM

 
________
No title. Not much to say that I havent written already. No path to follow, head is too full to go to sleep. Not in the mood to blog but not much else to do. Just thinking. Only thinking. I got my dad's car stereo fixed-- Thanks Eugene your the best, I didnt play so good today. I couldnt concentrate. Yeah .

posted by Shaistie at 11:42 PM

 
Meet me in my dreams....
Dear dear blog I've been away from you for awhile long. Unfourtunately I have to report that little has changed. Im feeling very very spent. I think all the overtime, housework, basketball and going out is taking it's toll on the body. I've been saturating myself so I could avoid thinking, to try to slow down the emotional drain that comes with this heartache. I've tryed to fill myself with things to do so to have less time to think. To my dismay it has helped little to none. It's only made me be tired on all sides. I guess there is no real escaping it because Im up for hours thinking about it. I check my clock and the time goes by so slowly and eventhough I am tired I just cant push my mind to a blank so I can sleep. And when I do get to sleep Im surprise to be met with dreams that are only but huge let downs when you realize they are ony dreams and just that. I had a dream of this nature. I was at school and the buildings usually have glass doors. I was walking out of class and then he comes out the door with a faceless friend. I walk to a staircase and he's in front of me all of a sudden. Then in a flood of words I tell him everything in tears. His eyes are watery and tells me "dont do this, please dont do this. Dont cry... I interupt him with"I have to, I have to tell you this for me and because you need to know, because it's hurting me so badly inside not to be able to tell you, for five years I've been this way and it wont just go away, I wish that you werent going, I'd wait for you if you'd ask me to... Then he says" Is it like that? Really?" He hugs me and I say " Why do you have to go , why do you have to leave me, why?" Then somewhere along the line Alys' shows up and we all move to a white patio table and I see red roses kinda in a flowerstand but not. Alys' says"what are you going to do?" to me. I look to him and he hands me a red rose and kisses me his hand grasping my hand, he looks at me and then before he says anyting I wake up. Wondering if it really happened, it all felt so real, so palpable. the firmenss in his grasp, the hug the kiss I strained to think and then with a sinking feeling I realize it was indeed a dream. I wrote it down in a notebook I keep in a drawer near my bed. I cant explain how much of a let down it was. Not much has changed though since I last blogged. It's things like this that shake me up. Continuing the stirring of emotions that further add to my unrest.


se va muriendo el corazon porque te fuiste
por mas que intento no lo puedo conformar
echo candado a su dolor no quiso abrirme
y yo le pido que no deje de latir

se va muriendo el corazon y no hay remedio
por mas que intento no lo puedo alimentar
le pido a Dios que me ilumine desde el cielo
que la llovizna no se vuelva tempestad

si tu no vuelves
si tu no vuelves morira
si ya no vuelves
en tu conciencia quedara

si tu no vuelves
si tu no vuelves morira
y yo tambien
con su dolor mi amor ira
si no vuelves

se va muriendo el corazon y no hay remedio
por mas que intento no lo puedo conformar
le pido a Dios que me ilumine desde el cielo
que la llovizna no se vuelve tempestad

si tu no vuelves.

posted by Shaistie at 11:43 PM